The Lard of the Rings: The Jelloship of the Ring
by Grant A Kress
Summary: Because Lord of the Rings is so amazing, me and my friend, Kai had to make fun of it. Here's what we came up with...
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Concerning Blobbits:

They're fat, and they suck, so much!

Prologue Mark II

The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the air. I also smell it in the air. And it does not smell good. Much that once was is lost. Cuz' either no one really remembers it, or they decided to block it from their memory, or they're dead, or they weren't there.  
It began with the forging his mother's signature. The Dark Lord Moron bought a box of Doughnuts. Magic Doughnuts. 3.50 a box if you know where to look. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and stuck-upest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, miners of great strength and smell; the craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine Doughnuts were gifted to the race of Men — who above all else, think they're the coolest race of 'em all. For within these Doughnuts was bound the strength and will to govern each race. I guess. I don't subscribe to all this, I'm just the narrator. But they were all of them deceived, for another Doughnut was bakafied. In a land of tastebudless beings, in the fires of some volcano, the Dark Lord Moron forged in secret a master Doughnut, to 'control all others.' And into this Doughnut, he poured sugar, flour, and his own special something. One Doughnut to rule them all.   
One by one, the sane lands of Not-Earth became unsane by the 'power' of the Doughnut. But there were some who said, 'I don' think so!' A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of …snaps fingers… that one place… I gotta look up the name of the place…, and on the slopes of that volcano… they fought for the freedom of Not-Earth.  
On the slopes of that volcano an elf shouted his war cry in a tongue known only to the elves. Actually, he was ordering a cheeseburger with no cheese and no mustard but extra pickles, but he mispronounced pickles and so all the elves in his regiment shot the crap out of the opposing army with pointy arrows.  
Sanity was near. But the power of the Doughnut could not be consumed.  
The Dark Lord Moron strutted around like a pompous jerk, smacking his mace in his hand, thinking he was so cool. He wasn't.  
Well, he walked on up to Lemonpeel, the King in that time of Frontdoor, and tapped him upon his armored shoulder. Lemonpeel turned 'round, to be slapped in the face with the Dark Lord Moron's gauntlet.  
"Fight me!" Moron shouted like a prepubescent teenaged boy.  
Lemonpeel pulled his sword, Cartwheel, from its sheath, and wasn't even halfway through when a disembodied voice spoke, interrupting him.  
"It was in this moment, when all hope had faded…"  
Both Moron and Lemonpeel looked to the sky, wondering what stupid elf… or whatever… had uttered the annoying statement. Lemonpeel continued pulling Cartwheel from its sheath.  
The voice came back.  
"It was in this moment, when Cheesildur, son of the King took up his father's sword…"  
The sucky Prince, Cheesildur, obeying the words of the disembodied voice, ran up and wresteled Cartwheel from his father's hands.  
"What are you doing? You're my least favorite child!"  
"Oh dad, you always say that! Give me the sword!"  
"No, I really hate you!"  
Cheesildur looked shocked and dropped Cartwheel. Cheesildur bent down to pick up Cartwheel, but Moron stomped down on it, breaking it into five pieces. Cheesildur counted them.  
"Ha! You broke your Dad's sword!" Moron's high voice squeaked, "Now he'll hate you more!"  
Cheesildur cried like a girl, but quickly stopped when he looked up and saw the doughnut on Moron's finger. "Hey! That's a nice doughnut you got there."  
"Oh, this old thing?"  
"Can I see it?"  
"Oh, sure!"  
Moron took off the doughnut and fell over dead.  
The voice returned, "Moron, the enemy of the sane peoples of Not Earth, was defeated.  
The Doughnut passed to Cheesildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Doughnut of Power has a mind of its own.  
After unintentionally killing Moron, Cheesildur was riding with people he paid to be his friends through the forest when they were attacked by Porks, ugly-crap creations of the dark guys. Not knowing what else to do Cheesildur put the Doughnut on his finger and disappeared for some reason. He then proceeded to hop in a river.  
"See ya later sucker!" The Doughnut said as it grew bigger and slid off Cheesildur's finger and sank to the bottom of the river.  
Cheesildur then floated to the top of the water, tongue sticking out of his mouth. Dead somehow. The Porks looked at each other, shrugged, and walked away.  
It betrayed Cheesildur, to his death… And somethings that should not have been forgotten were lost, but them's the breaks. History became legend, legend became myth, myth became retarded stories, retarded stories were published and sold in speakeasies until the turn of the century when they were all rounded up, piled up, and burned up, and for two and a half thousand hundred years, the Doughnut passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.  
An icky hand fished through the water of a random river. It was attached to an icky person. His name was Fredric. But everyone called him Slalom because he sucked. I still haven't put the two together. His icky hand touched a weird something on the bottom. He pulled it up and looked at a doughnut in his hand.  
"Yummy!" he said in his icky voice.  
"I hate you." The Doughnut said.  
Slalom batted his hand at the Doughnut, "You."  
The Doughnut came to the creature Slalom, who took it deep into the tunnels of the other mountains that aren't volcanoes. And there, it consumed him. Ah! The irony! A Doughnut consuming a person! Ha! Well I thought it was funny…  
Slalom rubbed the doughnut to his face at least 24 times a day, making creepy groaning noises and saying crap like: "It came to me, my own, my love, my own, my Num nums!" he took a bite, but spit it out shortly after it touched his tongue, coughing up a storm, "Gosh!"  
The Doughnut brought to Slalom unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. So… would that be food poisoning? That's something to think about. Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Doughnut of Power perceived its time had now come. It abandoned Slalom. But something happened then the Doughnut did not intend. It was hopping through the tunnels when it was snagged on a stalagmite.  
"Oh, suck!" The doughnut wailed.  
It was pulled off by the most unlikely creature imaginable: Blubbo Bacons of the Deli.  
"What's this? A Doughnut!" Blubbo brought the Doughnut to his nose and wafted in the aroma. He promptly started to dry heave.  
Blubbo heard a cry from inside the caves: "Lost! Lost! My Num nums is lost!" He put the Doughnut down his pants and ran out of the cave, for the time will soon come when Blobbits won't be COMPLETELY useless after all!

Chapter 1

The Deli

A fat, old Wizard was making his way along a winding path. He could smell the nasty smell of deep fryers in the spring as he approached the Deli, the home of an old friend from High School. He hummed a song as the cart jumped along the divots, "I liketh big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers shant deny…"  
A little ways off an especially fat Blobbit teenager, Lardo Bacons, was wondering what his place was in the world when he heard the distinct humming of the guy that his uncle Blubbo used to go to High School with. "Oh great." Lardo thought to himself, "Oh well, better not keep the fatso waiting." He got up and reluctantly made his way towards the noise of the fat guy on the cart.  
The Wizard continued humming as he neared the Deli. "And when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thang in your face you get…"  
"You're late!" a voice interrupted the Wizard's song.  
The Wizard looked up, ticked off. He saw his friend's nephew… or something… staring down at him with his arms crossed across his fat gullet. "Oh great," the Wizard thought to himself, "Oh well, better not keep the fatso waiting." The Wizard resituated his hat and chewed his tongue before saying out loud, "A Wizard is never late, Lardo Bacons."  
"Here he goes again," Lardo thought.  
"Nor is he early."  
"He arrives precisely when he means to…" Lardo stated for memory.  
"He arrives precisely when he means to… You're lucky I'm here at all with that attitude of yours!""   
Lardo became angry, "Fine! Leave! Who needs you?!"

"FINE!" The Wizard shouted.  
There was an awkward silence, and then the two burst out into laughter.  
"Oh… fine." The two laughed as if at an inside joke.  
Lardo felt the urge to jump on top of the fat Wizard. So he did.  
"It's 'wonderful' to see you Spandalf." Lardo scrambled around, trying to hug Spandalf.  
"Oh, whoa, holy crud! Don't touch me! You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Blubbo's birfday?"  
Spandalf snapped the reigns and the horse barely started to a dead crawl with the two fat people's weight.  
Lardo began to pry into Spandalf's private life, "What news of the outside world Spandalf? Tell me everything!"  
"Everything? Not even curious for a Blobbit! Well what can I say; life in the wide world goes on and on, much as it has this past age." Lardo nodded as Spandalf seemed to be finished. He continued, "My hamster died yesterday."  
The two rode in silence for a time.  
Presently Spandalf started talking again. "Speaking of things dying, how old is Blubbo?"  
"One hundred and eleven and a half." Lardo proudly stated.  
"So, how is the fine rascal?" he laughed slightly, "I hear it's going to be a potty of special magnificence."  
"You know Blubbo. He's got the whole place in an uproar."  
"Well, that should please him!"  
"Yeah… he was so excited, that he ran around naked. Poor kids. Didn't stand a chance."  
Spandalf removed his hate solemnly.  
"To tell you the truth," Lardo continued, "Blubbo's been a bit odd lately. He's up to something. All right then keep your secrets."   
Spandalf belched.  
"But I know you have something to do with it."  
"Good gracious me!" Spandalf said in a quite gay voice.  
Lardo looked at him a second. "Before you came along we Baconses were very well thought of."  
"Indeed?"  
"Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected."  
Spandalf laughed haughtily, "And then I come in and make you fun! Darn old me."  
"Whatever you d-" Lardo was cut off as Spandalf slapped him in the face. Lardo massaged his face as the cart wheeled through Blobbiton Square.  
Fat Blobbits working their ware stands looked at Spandalf. Many shot him the bird. A few shot him the dragon.  
Fat kids ran from homes, chasing Spandalf in his cart. They had heard stories of his fireworks and other various explosives.  
"Spandalf! Spandalf! Fireworks! Fireworks, Spandalf!" They shouted.  
A grumpy old Blobbit with a grim look was raking his yard.  
The fat Blobbits children ran still, slower, growing weary. "Spandalf- Fire- Fireworks…" They stopped to catch their breaths after running four to five feet.  
Spandalf spun in his seat and eyed the mini-fatties angrily, "You want fireworks? Well, do ya, punks?"  
The children looked up at the fat old man. One began to cry.  
Spandalf spun around again and continued riding.  
The rest of the children started to cry.  
All of a sudden the silence was broken by the ear-splitting sound of Wizard flatulence.  
The Blobbit children fell over.  
The grumpy old Blobbit chuckled. His wife came up beside him and slugged him in the shoulder, "Grow up!"  
Lardo took his hand from his nose. He looked up faux-lovingly at Spandalf, "Spandalf," he began, "I'm glad you're back."  
"Yeah, your mom's glad I'm back!" and he pushed him off the cart.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Very Old Friends

Spandalf approached the small hill and jumped out of the cart when the cart reached the gate. The horse sighed with relief and fell over dead.   
There was a quaint sign on the gate reading: Go Away!  
Spandalf chose not to understand the sign and went right on in and rapped his stick at the base of the large round door.  
"Go away!" a fat sounding voice from inside yelled, "Can't you read! I don't want any cookies or other treats unless they are really made of girl scouts!!"  
Spandalf smiled, "And what about very old friends?"  
There was a pause. "No! They don't taste good!"  
Another pause. "No, no, no. I mean. Could your old friends come in?"  
The round green door slowly inched open. Blubbo Bacons poked his fat head out of the crack with an "Oh great. Oh well, better not keep fatso waiting" look on his face. "Spandalf?"  
"Blubbo Bacons."  
Blubbo ran out the door and attempted to hug Spandalf, who backed away from his chubby arms.   
Spandalf stood himself up again, glancing at his dead horse. "Good to see you. Why haven't you died yet? What the crap? It's been like… 60 years!" Spandalf laughed.  
Blubbo did not. "Get in the house."  
Spandalf was silent as he scurried in through the small door.  
Blubbo stole Spandalf's hat and stick and ran away. He returned shortly, walked right past Spandalf into the kitchen as he asked, "Can I get you anything? Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger? Would you like a Dylan in ya? He's a little captain! Ha! Feeling the need for speed? Any sort of anything?! I got some Jack Daniels here! What say we open one, eh?"  
Spandalf suppressed, "No, just tea thanks." Spandalf turned and smashed his temple into a rafter. "Ow." He turned again and ran into an elegant light fixture. "Oh." He turned again and hit the rafter. He turned again and hit the light. Again. The rafter. Again. The light. Again. He fell over, bleeding from his right temple. He awoke to the sound of Blubbo in the other room rattling off random articles in his kitchen.  
"I was expecting you sometime last week! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please."  
Spandalf walked to the back of the Blobbit Borough.  
"You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid." Blubbo continued.  
Spandalf quickly found his hat and stick and took them. He also filled his pockets with all the money he found on the ground and mantles along the way.  
"We've only got cold chicken heart and a bit of green mold… Oh, there's some human hair here — oh no, that won't do. Err, we got footberry jam and an organ tart…"  
Spandalf made a run for the door.  
"Not much for afters, I'm afraid. Oh, no — we're all right! I've found some sponge-cake. I could spit on your some eggs if you like — oh. Spandalf?" Blubbo looked about the room. "Spandalf?"  
Spandalf reentered the room, "Just tea thank you."  
"Oh, right!" Blubbo shoved a sponge from the sponge-cake into his mouth. "Oo on' mi' fi' ee' oo, oo?" Blubbo asked.  
"Pervert!" Spandalf shouted.  
A knocking came to the Blubbo front door and Blubbo nearly choked on the sponge in his mouth.  
"Tell them I'm dead!" Blubbo mouthed to Spandalf.  
"Sorry," Spandalf shouted, "he's Deb!"  
"Deb?" the voice asked, "That sucks!"  
Blubbo breathed again. "Not exactly what I asked, but it works. I've got to get away from these confounded relatives hanging on the bell all day, never giving me a moment's peace! I want to see mountains again, mountains Spandalf! And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, tea?"  
Blubbo took a kettle of tea off the hook above a light bulb.  
"So," Spandalf questioned, "you mean to go through with your plan?"  
"Sure." Blubbo struggled with the tea. He couldn't hold the kettle and pour it into a glass at the same time. Spandalf ignored this.  
"Lardo suspects something."  
"'Course he does. He's a Bacons! Not some block-headed Brokengirdle from Hardbottle. Could you help me with the tea?"  
"You will tell him, won't you?"   
"Yes, yes. Now, the tea?"  
"He's very fond of you."  
Blubbo threw the tea kettle out the window. "I know. He'd prolly come with me if I asked him." Blubbo laughed. "I'm old Spandalf. And I know I don't look it, but I feel-" Blubbo put his hands across his stomach, "thin…"  
Spandalf began to laugh hysterically.  
Blubbo continued. "Sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."  
"Oh boy!"  
"I need a holiday-a very long holiday,"  
"Thin he says!"  
"And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to!"  
"Thin!"

Blubbo and Spandalf sat atop a hill over looking the Pottytree all set up for Blubbo's celebration. The two chub-buckets puffed on their pipes.  
Blubbo inhaled deeply, "Mary Wanna. Finest weed in the west-side."  
Spandalf flashed a gang symbol.  
"Spandalf, my old friend. This will more than likely be a night to forget!"  
The two looked at each other and laughed maniacally.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A Long Expected Potty

The potty was in full swing. You can decide what that means. A herd of Blobbits struggled through the field under their own weight, along with the weight of a giant cake with one hundred and eleven and a half candles. Apparently the candles got too close to a tree and it burst into flame. No one really realized though, until it was too late. They thought it was one of Spandalf's fireworks- or other assorted explosives – lighting up the skies again. Although, this one was not shaped like a mime, like most of Spandalf's fireworks. He hated mimes. He loved to watch them blow up.  
Lardo's good buddy, Spamwide Hamandcheese, was sitting all alone like the loner he was, sipping another ale. Spam scratched under a roll of fat as he wondered, "How long have I been 'gardening' for Master Lardo now?" But, of course, he didn't really care.  
Lardo was dancing with all the other fat Blobbits, a sight no one wants to see. Lardo spun around and spun right into the table Spam was sitting at. He looked the fatty in the eyes and said, "Go on, Spam. Ask Rosette for a dance." He was speaking of Rosette Fatten, a girl Spam always had his eye on like a little stalker.  
Spam looked her way. She was hopping up and down. It was a wonder her fat didn't hit her in her face. He cringed. "I think I'll just have another ale."  
Lardo pushed him out of his chair, "Oh no you don't!" and out onto the dance floor, "Go on!"  
Spam tripped and slammed his head on the ground. He lay there unmoving for quite a while. Blood slowly trickled from his ears. Lardo laughed.  
A patch of ground blew up, scattering deep loam every which way. Spandalf laughed, "Didn't expect that!"

In another portion of the field, Blubbo was telling young Blobbits stories of his days as a younger man. "There I was, at the mercy of three monstrous Trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us, whether it be turned on a spit or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly."  
A cute little Blobbit girl gasped and shook her head. Then ran off to Rohan.  
"They spent so much time arguing that Thorin got so impatient, he took out his nickel-plated 45s - Poof!"  
The children gasped.  
"Killed 'em all. They were dead!"

Causing mayhem, as always, near Spandalf's cart were the two forty year old guys who acted like teenagers: Hairiadoc Brandybuck and Pimpledoor Fook. Hairy and Pimple for short. And short they were. And no less fat for that!  
Spandalf took an arm full of fireworks from his cart and walked away.  
Hairy stepped out from a tent and motioned for Pimple to come out as well. Pimple's hand emerged from beneath the earth and he pulled himself up from the grave Hairy had just buried him in.  
Pimple hopped quickly into the cart, which creaked under his weight, and rummaged through the fireworks. "This one?" he asked, holding up a large green tube.  
"No, no, the huge one! The one as big as your-"  
Pimple held up a giant red mime-shaped firework.  
"Yeah, that one!"  
Pimple ran off with the firework into the tent Hairy had just come out of.  
Hairy nonchalantly chewed a pineapple as he followed.

Blubbo was greeting the guests, "Mrs. Brokengirdle, how nice to see you! Welcome, welcome." He looked to the throng of little people surrounding her. "Are all these children yours?"  
Mrs. Brokengirdle laughed and nodded.  
"Good gracious. You have been reproductive!"  
Mrs. Brokengirdle slapped him in the face and walked away.

The two Blobbits inside the tent had managed to get their firework ready to light up. "Done," Pimple proclaimed, proudly. He lit the fuse  
"This is gonna rule!" Hairy said.  
"Totally! How many of the old people do you think will be all-" he made a mortified face.  
"Oh man!!" Hairy exclaimed.  
They laughed as the fuse went.  
The laughter died away after a time.  
"…wait a minute…!" Pimple said slowly  
The firework ripped through the night sky, not to mention the tent.  
High above the crowd, it burst into the shape of a flaming mime, turned and swooped slowly towards the merrymakers. The Blobbits make a hurried attempt to get out of the way.  
"Look at that!" A Blobbit screamed.  
Lardo's face was lit momentarily by the mime's flaming body. He shepherded Blubbo out of the way. "Blubbo? Blubbo, watch out for the mime!" He yelled as he shuffled the fat man away.  
"Mime? Nonsense! There hasn't been a mime in these parts for a thousand years…"  
Lardo pushed Blubbo to the ground. The mime swooped low over the Blobbits' heads, flew off and blew up. At seeing the flaming mime die, the Blobbits clapped and cheered.  
Hairy and Pimple, now covered in soot, gazed proudly at their accomplishment. "That was good!" Hairy said.  
"Let's get another one!"  
Hairy backhanded Pimple, "WE ALMOST DIED!"  
Spandalf came up behind them and grabbed them each by their ear. "Hairiadoc Brandybuck, and Pimpledoor Fook. I might have known."

Hairy and Pimple, under Spandalf's eye, were washing the piles of plates. "Missed a spot," Spandalf said, spitting on one of the plates.   
Hairy smashed the plate over Spandalf's head.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Blubbo's Farewell

The potty was spiraling down. You can decide what that means.  
"Speech!" someone in the back shouted. A gunshot was heard.  
"Speech!" another someone shouted. Another gunshot.  
Blubbo got up on a bucket and readied himself for a speech. Another gunshot was heard and the bark of a tree flew from behind Blubbo. Blubbo looked at it and kept right on going. "My dear Baconses and Boffins, Fooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Lubbs, Flubbs, Nubbs, Wubbs, Nosepickers, Eyegougers, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Folgers, Cornpads, Brokengirdles and Proudfoots."  
A Blobbit with exceptionally large feet propped up on a table shouted up at Blubbo, "ProudFEET!"   
Blubbo threw his mug at the man, "Ah, shut up!" he screamed in a New York accent. "Today is my one hundred and eleventh and a half birfday!"  
"Happy birfday, Blubbo!" the group chorused.  
"Happy birfday!" another Blobbit yelled, trying to be cooler than everyone else.  
"Alas," Blubbo went on, "eleventy-one and a half years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable Blobbits." Cheers abounded. "I don't know six of you a quarter as well as I should like, and I like less than twelve of you half as well as you deserve, and there are some I just want to smack with a pool cue."  
Utter silence.  
"I, uh, I h-have things to do." He reached into his pants and pulled the doughnut out, concealing it from everyone's eyes. He whispered to himself, "I've put this off for far too long."  
Lardo looked up from his gaze at Spam, still motionless on the floor.  
Blubbo regained his composure, "See ya'll around." And he flipped the entire crowd off, and disappeared.  
There was silence.  
The noise began to increase at an increasing rate of the partiers continuing to party.

Fat footprints were made from invisible feet. You could tell because you couldn't see the feet. Hence, invisible. The door to Blubbo's Blobbit Borough opened and closed. Blubbo took the doughnut off his finger and laughed. He flipped it in the air and caught it in his pants. He started packing his bags for a long trip ahead of him. He packed everything necessary: Bacon, Pipeweed, and Pepto.  
"I suppose you think that was terribly clever." Spandalf said as he suddenly appeared in the parlor.  
"Come on Spandalf! Did you see their faces?"  
"There are many magic Doughnuts in this world, Blubbo Bacons, and none of them should be used lightly."  
Blubbo looked up, "Hm? Pardon? What was that? I wasn't listening."  
"There are many magic Doughnuts in this world, Blubbo Bacons, and none of them should be used lightly."  
"Ah what do you know? You're just a dumb old… You will keep an eye on Lardo won't you?"  
"…NO! You think you can just leave and dump your kid on me! You tried this once with that Legolas kid!"  
"I'm leaving everything to him." Blubbo said as he continued to pack other things: Puzzles, a Rubics Cube, and more Pepto.  
Spandalf scoffed. "What about this Doughnut of yours, is that staying too?"  
"Yes, yes. It's in an mirror-lined box over there atop my decorative window plant. No, wait, it's — here in my pants. Why shouldn't I keep it? I mean, it's already in my pants…"  
"Maybe you should leave the Doughnut behind, Blubbo… Is that so hard?"  
Blubbo looked up, startled, "Well no… and yes! The Doughnut itself is quite hard because it's very old, but the urge to give it away is pretty… nah, I'll keep it.!"  
"Whoa! Don't get all angry."  
Blubbo was completely calm, "I'm not angry, but let's say that I am. And, if I'm angry, it's your fault!" He rubbed the doughnut on his face. "It's mine! My own, my num nums."  
"Num nums? Its been called that before, but not by you."  
Blubbo meowed at Spandalf angrily, "What business is it of yours what I do to my own things?!"  
"Did you just meow at me? I think you've had that Doughnut quite long enough. It's starting to turn!"  
Blubbo put up his dukes, "I'll fight you, man! I'll fight you!"  
"I'll kill you and you know it..."  
Blubbo started weeping. He stumbled towards Spandalf, who backed away, not wanting to be touched. Spandalf picked up Blubbo's head, "You old kook! Let it go."  
"You're right Spandalf, the Doughnut must go to Lardo. It's late, the road is long. Yep, I'll be goin' now... After leaving the Doughnut here… at home… not in my pants…" Blubbo opened the door.  
"Blubbo…"  
"Hmm?"  
"The doughnut is still down your pants!"  
Blubbo batted his hand at Spandalf and said sheepishly, "Nah it isn't. Didn't you hear me? It's here. At home. NOT in my pants. Ok, you got me." Blubbo pulled the doughnut from his pants. He tossed it to Spandalf. Spandalf recoiled and the doughnut landed on the floor with a gish. Jelly squirted out from a corner.  
Blubbo ran out the door and tried to hop over the fence. After setting the fence back up he opened the gate and walked out. He turned back to Spandalf. "I've thought up an ending for my book. 'And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.'"  
Spandalf slammed the door. Spandalf turned around and looked at the doughnut that lay on the ground. He bent down to pick it up and heard a crazy voice in his head. It sounded like a freshman, "Peek-a-boo!"

Lardo wasn't all too concerned about Blubbo. He opened the door to his and Blubbo's house and noticed a doughnut lying on the "Did you bring food?" sign they had in front of the door. Lardo picked up the doughnut, took a bite, and vomited. He then looked up and noticed that Spandalf was sitting in front of the fire, smoking. "Oh man…" he said to himself. Lardo walked up to him and yelled in his face, "What did you do!? Do you even know where he is?! You were too busy smoking, weren't you, you weed addicted Wizard?!"  
Spandalf remained motionless.  
"Spandalf?" He checked his pulse.   
Spandalf punched Lardo in the jaw. "What? I was asleep…" he looked at the doughnut in Lardo's hand. "Blubbo's Doughnut. He's gone to stay with those stuck upest beings the narrator talked about earlier. He's left you Fattz End…" He held an envelope opened toward Lardo. Lardo slipped the doughnut into it and Spandalf took it again and sealed it. "Along with all of his possessions. The doughnut is yours now." He pushed the sealed envelope towards Lardo. "Go on! Open it!"  
Lardo looked at Spandalf and broke the seal, taking the doughnut out. "Yay…" he said, in fake surprise.  
Spandalf got up. "Bye."  
"Where are you going?"  
"…Can't remember…"  
The two stared at each other.  
Spandalf spoke again. "Going… to do… things… I think."  
"What things?"  
"THINGS! I don't remember! I'm a crazy old man!"  
"I don't… understand."  
"Yeah, me neither…" Spandalf took two fingers and pointed to his eyes and then at Lardo and walked out the door.  
Lardo looked at his empty hand. His eyes widened, but he quickly saw the Doughnut on the floor on top of his fat, hairy feet. He reached down to pick it up, and felt his pants rip down the middle. He stood up quickly and went to change.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Cheesildur's "Bane" is "Found"

Towers seemed to grow out of the ground and reach up the black sky in The land of tastebudless people. A cry ran out from the tallest tower. A tortured cry. The cry of an icky creature being tickled. Slalom being tickled. He shrieked in his icky voice, "Deli! Bacons!"

Spandalf sat in a chamber in Frontdoor's capital Minas Tirith. He read ancient manuscripts by candle and lantern light. Bad idea in a room full of paper. He folded papers over one another trying to find the one he wanted. A stick-um sat on the top of one the piles. It read: This is the one you want. Spandalf was skeptical, but dumb. He opened it, and sure enough it was the one that he wanted. He read:  
'The Year …six… of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Cheesildur, High King of Frontdoor and the finding of Doughnut of Power.'  
He turned the pages quickly, for this was better than he thought it'd be.  
'It has come to me, The One Doughnut... And I didn't steal it or nothin'! All those who follow in my bloodline shall be bound to its fate for I will risk no hurt to The Doughnut. It is precious to me, though I buy it with great pain.'  
Spandalf looked up from his reading. "What a baby!"  
'The sprinkles upon the band begin to fade. The writing, which at first was as clear as red frosting, has all but disappeared. A secret now that only fire can tell.'  
Spandalf looked up again, "Um… ok…" he put his index finger and thumb together and tapped them to his lips.

A farmer who was infested with maggots was splitting wood. Everyone called him Farmer Hoosinfestedwith Maggots, or Farmer H Maggots for short. His dog, Grabbs, was barking as nothing. Farmer H Maggots threw something at him. But Wholf, another one of his dogs, and Bicuspid, his third dog, kept right on barking, "It's fine!" Farmer H Maggots yelled at the dogs, "The blood coming from his head is natural!"   
"No, you uneducated fool!" Wholf yelled at him.  
"Wholf! Don't raise your voice to me!" Farmer H Maggots yelled at the dog.  
"He is right, you are a fool. Do you not see the shadowy figure coming down the road yonder?"  
Farmer H Maggots turned around to see a tall horse on a tall man. "Alright," the man said, "My turn to ride."  
The horse puffed its cheeks out and hopped off, and let the rider get on him.  
Farmer H Maggots was a little weirded out. "What are you doing here?"  
"Deli… Bacons…" the rider breathed quietly.  
"What? Who?"  
"Deli! Bacons!" the rider breathed slightly louder.  
"Oh. Yeah, they don't live here. They live in Blobbiton. Kind of a dumb name. It's like naming a place Personville or something. Dumb, huh?"  
"Yeah." The rider said as he heeled his mount and rode off towards Blobbiton.

Inside the Mean Mime, one of the dumbest inns around, Hairy and Pimple were up to their gross ways again, acting like teenagers. They were quite intoxicating and standing on a table, singing. Pimple had no pants on.  
A very drunk Blobbit wobbled past Lardo and Spam who was nursing the wound on his head. "Goodnight, sweet maiden of the Golden Ale!" he said to Rosette.  
Spam spun around and decked him. "Mind who you're sweet talking, she may be a sea witch but she's my sea witch!"  
Rosette batted her fat eyelashes. "He's so dreamy."  
"So," Lardo said, "I got a magic doughnut."  
"Hmm?" Spam asked.  
"Did you hear me?"  
"No. I think I lost my hearing in that accident that gave me this head wound. How did that happen again?"  
Lardo looked at him guiltily. "What accident?"  
"What accident?"  
"Well," Lardo said, relieved, "Let's get you home."  
"O…k…" Spam said drearily. "Lemme get my hat first." Spam donned a lampshade and followed Lardo out the door.   
Luckily Blubbo and Lardo's house, Fattz End, was just a stone's throw away from the Mean Mime.  
The two staggered down the road. "Goodnight Spam!"  
"Goodnight, whoever you are!" Spam said, and passed out.  
Lardo slowly opened his door, and rubbed his feet on the mat to take off any dirt.  
A hand shot out of the shadows behind Lardo.  
Lardo jumped and whipped out his pepper spray, aiming it at Spandalf, whose hand had grabbed him.  
"Lardo… it's me!"  
Lardo didn't ease his grip on the pepper spray.  
"Spandalf!" Spandalf said.  
The opening of the bottle bubbled.  
Spandalf knocked the can from Lardo's hand. "Is it secret? Is it safe?"  
"…What!?" Lardo said slowly.  
"The Doughnut."  
"Oh. That's over here." Lardo walked over to a chest and rummaged through, throwing out rolls of toilet paper and McDonalds toys. He took out a squished doughnut.  
Spandalf's eyes widened. "YOU SQUISHED IT?!"  
"No, I was just saving this for later." He looked back into the chest and pulled out the One Doughnut.  
"Ah," Spandalf said, and tossed the doughnut into the fireplace.  
Lardo looked as Spandalf for a second. "What the HECK are you doing?!"  
The doughnut grew in size. Spandalf grabbed some tongs and pulled it out of the flames. "Hold out your hand Lardo, it's quite cool, everyone's doin' it.  
Lardo did this, and Spandalf dropped the doughnut into his hand.  
"What can you see?" Spandalf asked. "Can you see anything?"  
"Besides a doughnut?"  
Spandalf hit Lardo in the head with the tongs.  
"No… I don't see… wait… wait a second… There's sprinkles on here!"  
"Sprinkles?" Spandalf asked.  
"It's some form of sugary substance. I can't read it."  
"There are few who can. The language is that of That land of tastebudless people, which I will not utter here."  
Lardo shot Spandalf a double take, "DAH-WHAT?! That land of tastebudless people?"  
Spandalf looked out the window, longingly, "In the common tongue it says, 'One Doughnut to rule them all, One Doughnut to find them. One Doughnut to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'"  
Lardo spat. "Man! It _still_ doesn't taste good!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The Shadow of the Fats

Spandalf and Lardo sat at the table, looking at the Doughnut. "This is the One Doughnut." Spandalf began, "Forged by the Dark Lord Moron in the fires of ...some volcano... Taken by Cheesildur from the hand of Moron himself."  
"Blubbo found it. In Slalom's cave."  
"Yep. For sixty years the Doughnut lay quiet in Blubbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age. But no longer Lardo. Evil is stirring in That land of tastebudless people. The Doughnut has awoken. It's heard its master's call."  
Lardo blinked. "What? Could you repeat that? I wasn't listening."  
"Moron's coming."  
"But he was destroyed! Moron was destroyed."  
The Doughnut jumped up and flipped around.  
Spandalf hit it with his shoe.  
It stopped moving. "No, Lardo. The spirit of Moron endured. His life force is bound to the Doughnut, and the Doughnut survived. Moron has returned. His Porks have multiplied. His fortress at Barad-Dûr is rebuilt in the land of That land of tastebudless people. Moron needs only this Doughnut to cover all the lands of a second darkness."  
Lardo blushed. "Sorry, I didn't catch that either. It's not a good night for me…"  
"He is seeking it, seeking it — all his thought is bent on it. The Doughnut yearns above all else to return to the hand of its master. They are one, The Doughnut and the Dark Lord. Lardo, he must never find it."  
Lardo shook his head as if he were lost in his own body.  
"Hide it" Spandalf said, bluntly.  
Lardo took the doughnut and shoved it down his pants.  
"There is one other who knew that Blubbo had Doughnut. I looked everywhere for the creature Slalom. But the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tickled him. But amidst the endless laughs and inane babble, they discerned two words: Deli, and Bacons."  
"That's three words…"  
"Well… and doesn't count!"  
"Deli. Bacons. But that would lead them…"  
Spandalf waited, trying to let Lardo figure it out himself.  
"Spam's?"  
"Here."

Bounder Fatsalot was kicking the ground. "Why'd my parents have to name me Bounder? It's like naming your kid Jeeves and being disappointed when they become a butler! Bounder? Seriously! I'm not even a unique character! Goatleaf gets his own card with his name on it! Frickin'!" He continued yelling in his head as he heard hooves on the cobble ahead of him.  
A black cloaked man on a black horse was riding down the road.  
"Who goes there?" Bounder yelled.  
The man and horse didn't slow at all.  
"Oh great," Bounder said to himself. "This is probably the scene I die in!"  
The rider road through and chopped Bounder's head off.  
"But still," Bounder's head continued. "Bounder?!"

"Oh crap!" Lardo yelled. "Take it Spandalf! Take it!"  
"No, Lardo."  
"Please?!"  
"You cannot offer me this Doughnut!"  
"But it's soooooo tasty!"  
Don't _tempt_ me Lardo! I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand Lardo, I would use this Doughnut from a desire to do good. But _through_ me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."  
"I'm not sure what you just said, but… it cannot stay in the Deli!"  
"No!"  
There was an awkward silence.  
Lardo rocked on his heels. "What should I do?"

Spandalf helped Lardo pack. "Go away!"  
"Where? Where do I go?"  
"Don't know, don't care. Just leave. I don't wanna be a witness when the Black Riders murder you."  
Lardo stopped suddenly. "WHAT?!"  
"I'll be waiting for you, at the Inn of the Quadriplegic Pony."  
"Will the Doughnut be safe there?"  
"Well, safe-ish… safe-esque… safe-like… Could be. Probably not. I gotta go talk to this guy. He is both a wise man _and_ a wise guy. Trust me Lardo, he might know what to do. You'll have to leave the name of Bacons behind you, for that name is not safe outside the Deli."  
"I'll call myself somethin' crazy like Mr. Underwear or something." He giggled.  
Spandalf did not. "…yeah, I'm glad you're having fun with the whole, destroying the Doughnut that can destroy the WORLD!"  
There was the sound like the squelching of a pig outside the window.  
"Get down!" Spandalf said as he slammed his stick into Lardo's head.  
Spandalf inched over to the window and peered over the sill. There was a few bushes and a dead cow. He threw his stick into the bush and pulled it out when he heard a "Holy crap! That hurt!" He reached into the bush and pulled up a fat kid. "Ah dang it, Spam! Have you been eavesdropping?!"  
Spam spluttered, "You're so loud!"  
Spandalf yelled at him as he slammed him onto the table. "A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?"  
"…What?!"  
"What did you hear? Speak!"  
Spam winged. "I just passed out outside your window. Don't do anything to me!"  
"Noooo? Perhaps not." He looked down at Lardo, bleeding from his nose on the ground. "I have thought of a better use for you…"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The Passing of a Stone

Lardo, Spandalf, and a horse ran along the horizon. The horse was falling behind. "Come along, Spamwide, keep up!" Spandalf yelled.  
Spam ran up from behind the horse. "Ha, ha, I bet the reader thought I was a horse!"  
Spandalf seemed to be talking to the air, "Be careful both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts." He turned to Lardo "Is it safe?"  
"Is what safe?"  
"The Doughnut."  
"Crud! I was supposed to take that with me?"  
Spandalf slapped a hand to his forehead as Lardo disappeared over a hill. "Oh my gosh, and this guy's the main character."  
When he returned his held it high. "Is it ok I told some people I had this?"  
Spandalf killed him in the head, but then brought him back to life. "Never put it on, for the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember, Lardo, Doughnut is trying to get back to its master. It wants to be found." Spandalf hopped on his horse and rode off into the distance.  
Spam awkwardly edged closer to Lardo, "Dare you to put it on."

The two Blobbits walked along. "Man, I'm so fat!" Spam complained. "If I wasn't so fat, walking would be easier!"  
The two came to a scarecrow. Lardo walked passed it, but Spam stopped behind. "This is it." Spam said, a bit scared.  
Lardo turned around, "This is what?"  
"If take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been."  
Lardo shrugged, "Well, you can stay if you like. No problem. You're just a slow hindrance."  
Spam stood there, wondering. Lardo kept walking.   
"Yeah, ok." Spam said as he started to follow Lardo.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Sweetin Saruman

Porkshank, the tower of the Wide Wizard, Sweetin Saruman, rose from the ground as Spandalf rode towards it. A chubby guy hobbled down the steps. He spoke loudly, with confidence, "Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Spandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not… my old friend?"  
Spandalf looked up from his horse. "I think so- Sweetin Saruman."  
"Let's take a walk." Sweetin Saruman said and laughed an evil laugh.  
Spandalf laughed too, but more cheerfully.  
The two talked for a time before the narrator was able to understand them. Sweetin Saruman asked Spandalf a question. "You are sure of this?"  
"I think so."  
"So, Doughnut of Power has been found."  
"Oh, am I sure about the Doughnut. I thought you were talking about the… Well, you know…"  
"No!"  
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure. All these long years it was in the Deli, under my very crooked, fat nose." He tapped his nose. It drew blood to his fingertip.  
"Yet you did not have the wit to see it. Your love of the fatling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind."  
"Hey! Uncalled for!"  
Sweetin Saruman threw a rock at a squirell. He missed. He was quite embarassed because it was a foot away. He tried to draw off Spandalf with a quick word. "Check out what I got in my chair room!"

The two Wizards sat in Sweet Saruman's chair room. "Moron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of That land of tastebudless people sees all — his gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and fleshhhhhh." He wiped his lips. "You know of what I speak, Spandalf — a great Eye… lidless… wreathed in flame."  
"The Eye of Moron?"  
Sweetin Saruman scratched his head. "…yeah… He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will summon an army great enough to launch an assault upon Not-Earth."  
"You know this? How?"  
"Internet. And this thing I got in my Cantalope room." Sweetin Saruman stood and walked into an adjoining room and Spandalf 'quickly' followed him.  
"A Cantalope is a dangerous tool, Sweetin Saruman."  
"Why? Why should we fear to use it?"  
Sweetin Saruman unveiled the Cantalope. It was a perfectly spherical ball, made of some sort of fruit, with strange swirls in its depths.  
"They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Fruits. We do not know who else may be watching!"  
He covers the Cantalope. A high voice screamed through his thoughts. "PEEK-A-BOO!"  
Sweetin Saruman sat in a big throne-like chair. "The hour is later than you think. Moron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Morgul."  
Spandalf was confused, but he held it mildly well. "The Nine?"  
"Yep. They crossed the River Isen on Christmahanakwanzica's Eve, disguised as riders in black."  
"They've reached the Deli?!"  
"Probably. They will find Doughnut… and kill the one who carries it."  
"Lardo!"  
"That's it!"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

A shortcut to shrooms

Spam was in the middle of a corn field, looking at the corn and giggling. He stopped, and looked about. "Mister Lardo? Lardo? Lardo!"  
Lardo came around a turn.  
Spam breathed a heavy sigh. "I thought I'd lost you."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I shut my eyes for too long. Do you ever blink and forget to open your eyes?"  
"No."  
"Oh."  
There was an awkward silence. Suddenly Hairy and Pimple burst through the wall of corn and toppled over Spam and Lardo. Both had an armful of vegetables.  
Pimple looked at the soft thing he had landed on. "Lardo? Hairy! It's Lardo Bacons."  
"Hello Fatkid!!" Hairy said, happily.  
"Get off him!" Spam screamed, his voice cracking. "Lardo? Are you all right?"  
Lardo noticed the vegetables. "What's all this?"  
Spam, Hairy and Pimple began to sing

"_What's all this? Step in time.  
What's all this? Step in time.  
What's all this? What's all this?  
What's all this? Step in time."_

Silence.   
Hairy handed his veggies to Lardo. "Hold these."  
Spam looked at a tag hanging off a carrot. "Property of Farmer H Maggots. You stole these didn't you!"  
Pimple looked at Lardo as he piled his vegetables, "Well, if you ask me, it looks like Lardo stole them now!"  
A dog barked and the voice of Farmer H Maggots could be heard, "You sons of- Get back here! Get off my field!"  
They ran. Hairy yelled up to the rest. "'Dunno why he is so upset. It's only a couple of carrots!"  
Pimple corrected him. "And his car. And those few bags of gold that we lifted last week and, and his wife…"  
"Yes Pimple! My point is, he is clearly overreactin'. Run!"  
Pimple, Lardo and Hairy stopped just before the edge of a gorge. But then Spam came and screwed it all up and hit them so they fell over to their imminent deaths. But the didn't die. It would have been easy to kill them there though.  
At the bottom, they ended up in a tangled heap, spitting various bits of forest from their mouths. Pimple landed just in front of a pile of droppings. "Oh, so close!"  
Hairy rubbed his eye. "Oowwww! I think I lost my contact."  
Spam pulled a worm from his mouth. "Trust a Brandybuck and a Fook!"  
Hairy played it cool, "What?! That was just a detour, a shortcut."  
"A shortcut to what?"  
Pimple shrieked in happiness, "Shrooms!"  
The Blobbits ran towards a pile of shrooms waiting for them a short distance away.  
Collective 'mmmm's abounded as they savoured the shrooms. Lardo eats big mushroom and started stumbling. "Whoa! I think we should get off the road."  
Everyone got off the road. Except for Lardo.  
"Guy, come on, get off the road! Guys! Guy… guys… come on guys… g-guys!... come on now… he he… I'm like Lardo and the amazing Technicolor Dreamroad."  
Spam, Hairy and Pimple pulled him off the road.  
The sound of hoof steps was heard.  
Hairy and Pimple stopped jostling each other (ew). Lardo looked up through a small gap and saw a black horse, and a Rider, clothed and hooded in black.  
Lardo stood up. The black rider looked at him. "Do you have… a doughnut?" The black rider asked.  
Lardo shook his head, but not too fast.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah, buuuuuddy. I don't even know what… you are. By the way. Do you want a doughnut?" He pulled the doughnut out of his pants.  
Spam panicked and stole Hairy's bag and threw it far to the side.  
"Excuse me." The black rider said. "I gotta go check that out."  
"No worries, mate!" Lardo said, blearily. He was pulled away by Spam, Hairy and Pimple.  
Once they were far enough away (And Lardo wasn't as high anymore…) Hairy asked Lardo, "What was that?!"  
Pimple punched Hairy in the shoulder and laughed, "YOUR MOM!"

Spam yelled to Lardo who was hiding behind a tree, "Anything?"  
"What?"  
"Do you see anything?"  
"No, nothing!"  
Pimple popped out from behind another tree. "What's going on?"  
Hairy from another tree. "That Black Rider was looking for something… or someone. Lardo?"  
Lardo looked at Hairy, "Iunno."  
"Get down!" Pimple yelled.  
Nothing happened.  
"Oh man," Pimple shouted. "That was a good one."  
"A good what?" Spam asked.  
Some silence.  
Hairy looked apalled at Pimple. "Gosh!" He tucked his nose under his shirt, "Did you have to? Now?"  
Lardo came over to Hairy, "I have to leave the Deli. Spam and I must get to Brie."  
"Yeah, whatever, we all wanna get away from Pimple."  
"Seriously! Those black guys gonna kill me… I think…"  
"You're just mad cuz you're not black!"  
"Hairy…"  
"Fine! Let's go to the raft."  
The Blobbits started running towards a river when some black riders came up behind them. "Holy crap!" The Blobbits yelled in tandem.  
The four got seperated, all being chased by a rider.  
Hairy ran under a tree and his chaser got clothslined by a branch.  
Spam stopped quickly and the horse tripped over him like a fat speed bump.  
Pimple used his 'special power' and nearly killed his chaser.  
The three ran onto the raft and untied it from the dock.  
Lardo stopped, turned around, and said, "No! Bad! Me, go, raft!"  
The rider buried his head, dejected and walked away.  
"Run Lardo!" Pimple shout.   
"This way!" Hairy yelled.  
"Run!" Spam (synonym of shout)ed. "Lardo!"  
"Run Lardo!" The three yelled.  
"Yeah, I'm good," Lardo said casually, taking his time, walking.  
"Hurry!" They shouted.  
"I'm fine!"  
"Jump Lardo! Go faster! Jump!"  
Lardo stepped onto the raft that had only floated out two feet or so across the very thin river. Lardo sat down, not tired at all. "Are we there yet?"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The Quadriplegic Pony

The Blobbits arrived at the gates of Brie, soaking wet due to reasons unknown. They paused and sniffed the air again. "Yeah!" Pimple shouted.  
Lardo socked Pimple in the gut and knocked on the gates. A small peep hole opened high above them, then slammed shut. Another opens, still high above their heads. Another opened nearer their eye level, but not wide enough to see all the fat people. The guy behind the peepholes got fed up with it and opened the door.  
The old guy had a nametag on that read: "Scram, my name is Chubby Goatleaf." "What in the heck do you want?" Goatleaf asked, bitterly.  
Lardo looked Goatleaf in the eyes and said sincerely, "You!"  
Goatleaf slapped a hand to his eyes and turned his head to the sky, "Gosh! Kids! Just say please and I'll let you in!"  
Spam shoved Goatleaf, "We gonna stay at the inn foo! Our business is our own, sucka!"  
"Whatever… I hate this job." He waved them past.  
The Blobbits walked beside one another and took up the whole road. People glared at them. A man who looked similar the creator of the known universe chewed on a carrot.   
Three men jumped out from an alley way. They were dressed in pinstripes, straw hats, and moustaches. They readied themselves for a song.

_We are the men of Brie.  
Not one, not two but three!  
We'll sing you a song, you can sing it along,  
if you know the words."_

Pimple smiled as he ran to join them. The four sang.

_We love to eat and eat and sleep.  
We'll drink 'til we're a mindless heap.  
Then we go to work, don't be a jerk,  
in this land called Brie!_

Pimple through out his arms in a flourish, "Ooooooh!"

_Everyone loves Brie, everyone loves Brie,  
everyone loves you, _

The guy eating a carrot sang sadly, "Nobody loves me."

_But that's the way it goes in the land of Brie.  
Everyone loves Brie, I think we all should drink!_

Spam applauded loudly, but it slowly petered out once he noticed he was the only one clapping.  
Pimple cam back to the group as the men went back to doing what they were doing.  
Lardo looked up and spotted the sign of the Quadrepeligic Pony. The four Blobbits entered the Inn. Inside, it was crowded, smelly, noisy, smelly, and smelly. Lardo walked up to the front desk and tried to look over it, but it was too tall for such a short, fat guy. "Hey!" Lardo shouted loudly.  
The Innkeeper leaned over the desk. He had a nametag that said "Scram, please, my name is Barliman Butterball." "Good evening, fat masters. If you're looking for a place to stay we've got some nice 'cozy' Blobbit sized rooms available, Mr…"  
Lardo's face brightened. "Underwear! My name's underwear!"  
Butterball looked at him queerly. "Underwear. Yes…"  
"We sorta know Spandalf the Grey. Would you let him know we're here?"  
"Spandalf?" Butterball tasted the name in his mouth. "Spandalf. Oh yes! I remember: fat old chap, big tall stomach, big grey beard." Lardo's face brightened again, "Not seen him in six decades." Butterball smiled, "What a marvelous six decades!"  
Spam huddled closer to Lardo, "What do we do now?"  
Lardo looked around. "Let's pants that guy over there!"

Three of the Blobbits were seated at a table near the fireplace, watching a man pull his pants back up. Lardo patted Spam on the shoulder, "Don't worry. He'll come. I think."  
Hairy came back to the table, holding a huge mug. Pimple gazed at it lovingly. "What's that?!"  
Hairy stared at the liquid inside, "This my friend, is a two-liter!"  
Pimple almost choked on the words, "It comes in two-liters? I'm getting one!"  
Spam nudged Lardo and pointed to a man in the corner. "That freak's been doing nothing but stare at us since we arrived."  
Lardo looked. The man was smoking a pipe which occasionally lit his otherwise shadowed face. Lardo stabbed Butterball in the leg with a butter knife. Butterball fell to a knee, "Hey! That guy in the corner. Who is he?"  
Butterball cringed and took a look. He quickly looked back to Lardo, "He's one of them Rangers. Dangerous folk they are, wandering the wilds. What his real name is I've never heard, but 'round here, he's known as Walker: Texas Ranger."  
Lardo looked up to see Chuck Norris sitting by the guy. Chuck Norris cracked his knuckles into a fist and kissed his biceps. He had embroidered pants that read Law and Order on each legs.  
Lardo shook his head. "No! Not that guy! Him!"  
Butterball looked over to the other man. "Oh, him? That's just Cheesecakeman. Don't mind him." He put a hand to his mouth and spoke over it to keep himself from being heard to anyone buy Lardo, "He's craaaazy!"  
Lardo looked back to Cheesecakeman. He was putting his feet into a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Lardo thought to himself, "Cheesecakeman… Well, I don't care anymore." Lardo whipped out his doughnut and started to play with it, "I'm a doughnut!" he said in a weird voice as he knocked salt shakers and various items off the table with the doughnut.  
The doughnut got angry so it started chanting Lardo's last name for a while. "Bacons… Bacons… Bacons… Bacons! Bacons!"  
"Bacons?" Pimple said to a bad guy at the bar, "Course I know a Bacons! Lardo Bacons. L-A-R-D-O B-A-C-O-N-S! He's got a nice shiny dough-" he was roundhousekickedinthefaced by Chuck Norris.  
"Chuck!" Chuck yelled as he roundhousekickedinthefaced Pimple in the face.   
Lardo stood up and his head almost exploded out of sheer amazement, but he just fell over backwards and the doughnut flew out of his hand.  
"Hi Lardo!" Pimple said as Lardo landed next to him.  
The doughnut flipped through the air and landed right on Lardo's finger.  
"Bye Lardo!" Pimple said as Lardo disappeared.

Lardo was in the Inn, but it looked like everything was covered in chocolate. "What the heck? Where am I?"  
"Peek-a-boo!" Lardo heard from behind him.  
Lardo turned around and saw a big eye floating in the sky. It was surrounded by fire shaped frosting.   
"I see you!"  
"I see you too!" Lardo said.  
"There is no sugar in the void. Only unsweetened baking chocolate!"  
"Really?" Lardo bent over and scooped some chocolate from the ground into his mouth. It tasted like gauze inside his mouth. It hardened and made a nasty tasting shell around his tongue. "OH GOSH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Lardo grasped at the doughnut on his finger.

Lardo reappeared at a staircase. He breathed heavily, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. A hand grabbed him by his shoulder and spun him around.  
Cheesecakeman stared him in the eyes. "You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underwear!" He then let go of Lardo and ran around the bar, "POOOOOOOOODLE!" He yelled as he ran.  
"Go home, ya queer!" some guy in the distance screamed back at him.  
Cheesecakeman ran back to Lardo and pulled him up the stairs. Cheesecakeman's stomach jumped up and down as he moved. He pushed Lardo into a room and slammed the door.  
"What do you want?" Lardo asked, almost crying.  
"What do you think?"  
"My money?"  
"May-bay…"  
Cheesecakeman walked over to the window and put out the candles with his tongue. "I can avoid being noticed if I wish. But to call yourself underwear, now that is a rare gift."  
Lardo was confused, "Who are you?"  
"Do I look like a distant relative of yours?"  
"Sorta."  
"Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you!"  
After a moment of consideration Lardo yelled, "What?!"  
The door burst open and Cheesecakeman spun around and drew a sausage from a scabbard at his side. Spam, Hairy and Pimple rushed in, Spam with fists clenched and ready to fight. Hairy had a candellabra. Pimple had a chair.  
"Let him go! Or I'll have you Mr. Crazyhead!"  
Cheesecakeman jumped to Lardo and grabbed him by the back of his head, "You will not have this boys head today!" He placed his sausage on Lardo's neck and quickly drew it away as if cutting off his head.  
The Blobbits looked at each other.   
Pimple hit Hairy with his chair.  
"Anyway," Cheesecakeman said, "I'm not really this crazy… I actually know some junk about junk."  
Hairy stood up slowly, hand on his back. "I have a question."  
"Shoot."  
There was a silence.  
"Oh, sorry," Cheesecakeman said, "I forgot that that word went extinct a couple years ago. Ask your question."  
Silence.  
Hairy went to the window where he saw some of those Black Riders that had followed them somehow. "What are those things?"  
Cheesecakeman looked out the window. "They were Men, once. Great kings of Men. Then Moron the Detheever gave to them nine Doughnuts of Power. Blinded by their greed, and some crazy looking glasses, they took them without question. One by one falling into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Dougûl, Doughnutwraiths, neither living nor dead, and they're not zombies either. At all times they feel the presence of the Doughnut. Drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you. Unless you die. Then they'll dump on your body."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

A Knife in the Dark (Meat)

The following morning the five had checked out of the Inn and made a run for it, out of sight of the Dougûl somehow.  
Lardo yelled up to Cheesecakeman who was leading a horse, "Where are you taking us?"  
Cheesecakeman looked back, "Wouldn't you like to know?"  
Hairy nudged Lardo, ""How do we know this Cheesecakeman is a friend of Spandalf?"  
"We have no choice but to trust him. He's big and he has arm hair!"  
Spam was leading the pony he had bought from Brie. His name was Phil. "But where is he leading us?"  
"To Cholesterell, Master Hamandcheese. To the House of Enron."  
Spam stopped. "Pardon me. What sort of house did you just say?" He set the reigns down.  
Everyone stopped. "Enron."  
"Enron? Enron, and where?"  
Cheesecakeman looked at him weird. "Cholesterell."  
Spam had a dumb look on his face. He danced as he sang.

_Enron and Cholesterell.  
Enron and Cholesterell.  
I'm a fat kid who loves Enron and Cholesterell._

Everyone stared at him.  
Spam sung again, higher.

_Enron and Cholesterell.  
Enron and Cholesterell.  
I'm a fat kid who loves Enron and Cholesterell._

They kept walking. Spam ran up to Lardo. Lardo ran, trying to get away from him. Spam caught up to him, "Did you hear that? Cholesterell! We're going to see the Elves!"

Day broke. The sun had been in the sky for about four hours. Cheesecakeman looked back at the Blobbits who had stopped. "Hey! Fatties! We do not stop 'till nightfall."  
Pimple looked at him as if he was looking into the sun. "What about breakfast?"  
Cheesecakeman looked at him. "We've already had it."  
Pimple stared at him on the verge of tears. "We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?"  
Cheesecakeman walked away.  
Hairy packed up his stuff. "Don't think he knows about second breakfast Pip."  
Pimple started to cry as he talked. "What about elevensies? Brunch? Luncheon? Lunch, the sequal? Afternoon tea? Afternoon Beer? Dinner? A Snack after Dinner? Supper? A Snack after Supper? Supper, the sequal? Nightime Tea? Midnight Burger Madness? He knows about them doesn't he?"  
"I wouldn't count on it."  
From over the bushes, Cheesecakeman tossed an apple and Hairy caught it. He handed it to Pimple and patted him on the shoulder. Another apple flew through the air, hitting Pimple in the head. He fell over, unconsious.  
"Pimple!" Hairy yelled at him.

The moon was in the sky now.  
Lardo was tossing and turning because he couldn't sleep because Cheesecakeman wouldn't shut up. He was singing in some dumb language.

_Tinúviel elvanui,  
Elleth alfirin ethelhael  
O hon ring finnil fuinui  
A renc gelebrin thiliol._

Lardo walked over to Cheesecakeman, "Would you shut up? I'm trying to sleep!"  
Cheesecakeman threw his sausage at Lardo. "What was that?"  
Lardo had a change of heart. "Who is she? This woman you sing of?"  
Cheesecakeman looked down, sadly, "Who said it's a woman?"  
Lardo flinched, "Do… was it a guy?"  
Cheesecakeman looked up to the sky, "She's a moustachioed woman. Get some sleep, Lardo."

Sweetin Saruman was in the Chamber of the Cantalope at Isengard. His hand was suspended over the Fruit, and a frostingy image was in its depths. The eye of Moron appears within the Cantapole. Sweetin Saruman, eyes closed, appeared to be communicating with Moron by pure thought. "The power of Isengard is at your command, Moron, Lord of the Earth."  
The voice of Moron mumbled and then said, "Build me an army worthy of That land of tastebudless people!"  
Three Porks walked in on him. "Hey!" Sweetin Saruman yelled at them. "Oh, it's you. Thought it was the fatty again!"  
"Nope!" One of the Porks said.  
"Just us…" Another said.  
"So…" The last said, "What orders from That land of tastebudless people my Lord? What does the Eye command?"  
"Wouldn't you like to know?!" Sweetin Saruman yelled.  
They stood in silence, "We have work to do!" Sweetin Saruman said, handing him a note.

Huge trees fell over from the axes and treefalldowners of the Porks.  
The last Pork that had talked to Sweetin Saruman turned to him now, "The trees are strong, my Lord. Their roots go deep."  
Sweetin Saruman hit him in the face, "Stop whining!!"  
Spandalf looked on from the top of Porkshank, unable to stop the arbor carnage taking place. He scratched his head. "How the heck did I get up here?!"

Cheesecakeman brought the Blobbits to a field with a tall hill in the middle, "This used to be the watch tower of Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre. But it isn't anymore. It's too bad, Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre was a nice place. But it doesn't exsist anymore. I once knew a guy that went to high school in Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre. But now he's dead. Boy, good times in Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre… good times."  
"Why did you just say Hinniadjashoiawnvkiashre so many times?" Lardo asked.   
Before they knew it they had scaled nearly to the summit. They unloaded packs and Cheesecakeman threw Jimmy Dean's Li'l Smokies at them. "These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to wander around. Stay here."  
Hairy popped his sausage in his mouth, "What's wrong with that guy?"  
"I'm gonna to have a nap…" Lardo said

Lardo's eyes lazily opened. A weird smell passed over his nose. He turned to see a fire with the three Blobbits sitting around it.  
"My tomato's burst." Hairy said.  
"That sounds so gross!" Pimple yelled.  
"Oh! It's everywhere!" Spam spat.  
"Can I have some bacon?"  
"Oh, it's in my raccoon wounds!"  
"Okay. Want some tomatoes Spam?"  
Lardo yelled angrily, "What are you doing?!"  
"Tomatoes and nice crispy bacon." Hairy pointed out.  
Spam showed Lardo, "We saved some for you, Mister Lardo. Unfortunately it's all over…"  
"Put it out you idiots!"  
Suddenly, a Dougûl's cry pierced the darkness.  
The Blobbits looked around and ran away, scared. They ran up to the pinnacle.  
The didn't noticed until too late that the Dougûls were there too. The three Blobbits who still had them took out their sausages and threw them at the Dougûls. Three of the Dougûls burst into flame and ran off the edge.  
Spam, Lardo, and Pimple looked at each other. "AWESOME!"   
Spam pointed out the obvious, "But… now we don't have any weapons."  
The other six Dougûls walked towards them.   
Spam turned to Lardo, but noticed that he wasn't there. "Where'd Lardo go?" He asked Pimple.  
"He put the doughnut on."  
"But he's not supposed to. Especially not in front of bad guys."

Lardo could hear Spam, but only barely over his own cries. The smell of the unsweetened baking chocolate in the void overpowered everything. He turned to look at the Dougûls, but where the black-cloaked creatures used to stand, there were now whitish ghosty things. "Hey!" Lardo yelled at them. "Where'd the other guys go?"  
"That's for us to know and you to find out." One of the ghosty things said.   
"Tell me, RIGHT NOW!" Lardo yelled.  
The ghosty thing got mad and stabbed him in the shoulder with a skinny sword. "No!"

Lardo pulled off his doughnut and yelled. "Ow! That hurt you jerk!"  
Cheesecakeman hopped up on the summit and hit the six Dougûls with his sausage. They burst into flames and ran away.   
"Hey, Cheesecakeman!" Spam yelled as he cradled Lardo's fat head. "Where the crap were you?! You just leave us with Dougûls?! What's wrong with you?"  
"Shut up! Just shut up! Crap!" Cheesecakeman yelled as he lifted the skinny sword that had stabbed Lardo. "CRAP CRAP CRAP!"  
Spam backed up. "What?"  
"He's been stabbed by a Diet blade."  
"NOOOO!"  
Cheesecakeman took Lardo into his arms, "This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Stuck-up medicine."  
Cheesecakeman ran as the Blobbits followed. When he was a few paces from his horse he tossed Lardo on top of it. Or tried to at least. He fell short and landed on the ground. It cracked a bit.  
"Meh!" Lardo moaned.  
Cheesecakeman picked him up again and set him on the horse. He took the reins and started running. "Hurry fatties! Hurry!"  
The Blobbits ran. Spam yelled, already out of breath. "We're six days from Cholesterell. He'll never make it!"  
Cheesecakeman held Lardo's back, "Hold on, Lardo."  
Lardo shouted out in a high voice that crackled. "SPANDALF!"  
Cheesecakeman slapped him, "No! No screaming! Bad!"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Flight of a Ford

Meanwhile, back at the Isengard… Spandalf was still on top of Porkshank, "Alright, think Spandalf. You were talking with Sweetin Saruman, and then… what? Did _you_ climb up here? Or did _he_ put you up here?"  
A little moth-like creature flew in front of Spandalf's face.  
"Oh, man! Ollie! It's been a while old boy! You look good! You've lost weight!"  
The moth squeaked.  
"Yeah, I know. I've been trying though. Hey, could you tell my friends that I'll be late? Thanks buddy. It was a long night. I don't know how I got up here…"  
The moth squeaked again and flew off.

Meanwhile, still in Isengard… Sweetin Saruman was watching as some Porks were wrestling… or something… in the mud. A creepy smile wiped across Sweetin Saruman's face.  
Red forged swords were splashed into water to keep the shape.  
One of the Porks stood up from the mud. Another stood. Then, something so massive that the camera had to move to see it all stood up out of the mud.  
It looked at its hands and licked the mud off.  
Sweetin Saruman cringed.

The Blobbits and Cheesecakeman had stopped running so fast and stopped in a forest with large stone Trolls lying on the ground. Each one had a quarter-sized hole in its forehead.  
Spam felt Lardo's face and yelled to Cheesecakeman, "Better hurry up! He's gonna die and we're gonna sue you!"  
Pimple was crying, "Is he going to die?"  
Cheesecakeman tried to dodge the questions again. "Spam, do you know the Athelas plant?"  
Spam dropped Lardo's head. "Athelas?"  
"Um… what do you Blobbits call it again? Mary Wanna?"  
"Oh, Mary Wanna, yeah, _weed_."  
"It may help to slow the poison."  
"What poison?" Pimple asked.  
"How much weed do you want?" Spam asked.  
"Can I have any you're not going to use?" Hairy asked.

Cheesecakeman found some weed on his own and bent over to cut it from the plant. "Man, this is gonna suck, if all the fat guys start dying on me. Man, I swear, if Lardo gets like stabbed by a spear or something, I'm gonna quit! They can give my job to Joaquin or someone." He kept muttering as a blade touched his throat.  
The voice of a woman, hindered by a moustache, caught his ear, "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"  
"No! I was just looking for weed!"

The Blobbits were all around Lardo, like they'd never been given orders to save their friend. A bright light made them fall on their butts.  
A pleasantly plump lady with a moustache stepped out of the light and the light went out.  
"Telin le thaed." She said.  
"What?" Hairy asked.  
"I'm talking to Lardo!" She yelled.  
Lardo looked up and he saw her and understood her for some reason. "Hey!" she said, "My name's Lardwen. I'm Cheesecakeman's honey!"  
"Blish mai… nick?" Lardo babbled.  
"What did he said?" Hairy asked.  
"Nothing. He's dying." Lardwen said.  
"Can we do anything for him?" Spam asked.  
"Nope, not you." Lardwen said as she plopped him on her horse. "But I'm gonna kidnap him. See you in the next chapter!" And she rode away.

Well, wouldn't you know it, Lardwen got swarmed by the Dougûls. They were fine, they just had some slight burns and falling off a mountain wounds. Lardwen rode her horse through a field and past a row of trees. The Dougûls fell behind. Lardwen came to the side of a river. The horse jumped from bank to bank.  
The Dougûls came to the other bank, further away fom Lardwen. "Give up the Fatling, She-Elf!" one of the Dougûls hissed.  
"No! Come and get him!"  
"Ok," the Dougûls said all together. They rode their horses into the river. There was a steep decline and all the horses drowned and the Dougûls were washed down river.  
"Well." Lardwen said.  
Lardo started making noise.  
"What'd I do? Oh man! Don't die!" Lardwen set Lardo on the ground, "What grace is given me, let it pass to him, let him be spared — save him. Or else I'll get my butt sued off! I mean, kidnapping _and_ murder! I can't do time for two _more _crimes!"  
A creepy guy's face appeared and mumbled something…


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Cholesterell, Elfhome

Lardo awoke in a huge bed. "Where am I?"  
Spandalf rolled over, "Where are you indeed?"

Lardo sat up straight, screaming. "WHERE AM I?!"  
Spandalf was in the room, but not in the bed. "You are in the house of Enron. And it is three o'clock in the morning, on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know."  
"Well I don't want to know!"  
"Well, you woke me up, so you're gonna know!" Spandalf punched Lardo in the face, knocking him out."

Lardo sat up, once again. "Where am I?"  
"You are in the house of Enron. And it is ten o'clock in the morning, on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know." Spandalf said, massaging his fist.  
Lardo finally woke up. "Spandalf! Where the crap were you?!"  
"Ollie didn't tell you?" He scratched his beard.  
"Ollie?"  
"My little buddy, he's a bug."  
"Oh, him. Yeah, we found him. They spray around the parts we were in…"  
"So… he's dead?"  
"As a doornail."  
Spandalf said, "Oh well, at least I got to jump off a building." Lardo was about to say, "What?!" but Spandalf cut him off with, "Long story."  
Spam burst into the room, "Mister Lardo!"  
"Spam has hardly left your side!" Spandalf told Lardo.  
Lardo looked at Spam who was smiling creepily.  
"Yep, well, thanks to this guy," Spandalf motioned to a scary looking Elf, "and Billy Mays's new product Orange-Oxy-Death-Be-Gone-Kaboom! you are beginning to mend!"   
Billy Mays appeared next to Lardo's bed, "HI!" He said in a voice too loud, "BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ORANGE-OXY-DEATH-BE-GONE-KABOOM! THIS STUFF WORKS LIKE MAGIC! TRY IT ON YOUR BROTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR GREAT-AUNT, JOYCE. WHOEVER IT IS WHO'S DYING, KABOOM! AND THE DEATH IS GONE! BUY NOW AND I'LL DOUBLE THE OFFER, AND I'LL THROW IN THIS HANDY TRAVEL SIZE, AS MY GIFT TO YOU! TRY ORANGE-OXY-DEATH-BE-GONE-KABOOM! IN YOUR HOME TODAY! KABOOM! AND THE DEATH IS GONE!"  
Spandalf hit him in his beard.   
The scary looking Elf stepped up to Lardo's bedside, "Welcome to Cholesterell, Lardo Bacons."

Lardo started wandering around Cholesterell. He just happened to run across Blubbo sitting on the veranda, over looking a river. "Blubbo?! What are you doing here? Oh yeah… Spandalf… yeah, nevermind…"  
Blubbo looked up and tried to run away, but he had grown older, seperated from the doughnut for so long. Blubbo gave up shortly after beginning and sat down, he had a large book in his hands.  
"Is this the book?" Lardo asked, as he stole it from Blubbo.  
"No, that's not, that's my…"  
Lardo read aloud. "And today I saw Uvriel watering the plants. Boy she's hot. I wonder if she'll water…"  
Blubbo took the book back quickly, "No! _This_ is the book." And he pushed a large leatherbound volume towards Lardo.  
"Oh." He paged through the book. "Is there anything about me in it?"  
"Well, no. This is a story of my days with the dwarves… There's a nice fight with a mime, and how I riddled my way free from a prison…"  
"Yeah, that's nice." Lardo said, giving Blubbo the book back and walking away.

"Now, what did I forget?" Spam said, packing his bags.  
"Packed already?" Lardo asked Spam  
"So what if I am? What's it to you? Get! Get out of here!"  
"I thought you wanted to see the Elves, Spam, more than anything!"  
"Ah, they're just stuck up jerks!"  
"'course they are, didn't you read the prologue?"  
"Yeah, well, I did! It's just… we did what Spandalf wanted didn't we? We got The Doughnut this far to Cholesterell and then I thought we'd, ya know, burn some bags of dog crap, TP some places, and then make a run for it."  
"Yeah, we'll probably end up doing that anyway. The Doughnut will be safe in Cholesterell. Lets go find the dog yard!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

The "Strength" of Men

Spandalf and Enron watched Lardo and Spam from the balcony in Enron's study. "I feel kind of bad about this…" Spandalf said, as he bobbed the waterballoon in his hands.  
"Suck it up Spandalf!" Enron said as he threw his waterballoon at Spam.  
Spandalf threw his, but missed both the Blobbits by a few feet. He blushed.  
"His strength returns."  
"That wound will never fully heal. The Diet blade took probably a good ten pounds off of him at least! He'll never be the same."  
"And yet to have come so far, still bearing The Doughnut, the Blobbit has shown extraordinary resilience to its Jelly-filling."  
"It's filled?" Spandalf asked, "Dude! He's a better man than I. We can ask no more of Lardo."  
"Spandalf, the enemy is moving. Moron's forces are massing in the hood — his eye is fixed on Cholesterell. And Sweetin Saruman you tell me has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin, even though they are very, very fat."  
"His treachery runs deeper than you know." Spandalf informed the stuck-up jerk, "By foul craft Sweetin Saruman has crossed Porks with goblin-men,"  
"GROSS!" Enron yelled."  
"Yeah, I know!"  
"Spandalf, the doughnut can't stay here." Enron whined. "We Elves are too dumb to remember not to eat it or something. I mean, I have wells of deep memory, but not in my memory! I mean, it's a wonder I remembered you at…" Enron turned and started walking away.  
"Enron?" Spandalf called after him.   
"Oh. Just put them on the radiator. Thanks, hun."  
"Whoa! I don't even wanna know!"  
"No, wait. You're that guy. Spandy… or something."  
"Yeah, we're talking about The One Doughnut that's here now."  
"Why?"  
Spandalf shook his head, "Doesn't matter. It is in Men that we must place our hope."  
"Men? Men are weak. And they suck. The race of Men is failing. The blood of Fúmenor is all but spent, its pride and dignity dumped on. It is because of Men The Doughnut survives. I was there Spandalf. I was there three thousand years ago…"  
"Yeah, but you don't remember that!"  
"True… But there was a guy… and he said no. And that's why the Doughnut's still around and Men suck, and I can't remember anything. I don't know how the last one is connected, but it must be, because I can remember before then."  
"No you can't!"  
"True… But it's the thought counts."  
"If you had a thought in your empty head."  
"True… But…"  
"No buts. There is one who could unite them, one who could reclaim the throne of Frontdoor."  
"Who?"  
"Peppercorn."  
"Who?"  
"You know… that guy!"  
"Oh."  
Spandalf nodded.  
"Who?"

Evening fell with a splat. Cheesecakeman sat on the terrace reading a book.   
Footsteps echo on the stone floor. A man entered and paused in front of a mural painted with Ketchup and Mustard of Cheesildur, with broken sword raised against Moron. He looked the painting intently, then, conscious of another presence, turned and saw Cheesecakeman. "Howdy!" the man said to Cheesecakeman.  
Cheesecakeman threw a small rock at the man.  
He dodged with his cool ninja abilities, "Oh! You're no Elf! What are you doing here?"  
"Me and an Elf are an item."  
"Whoa! No way! That's special! Is she good looking?"  
"She has a moustache."  
"Ooh. Sorry."  
"Sorry? That's how I like my women."  
The man was silent.  
"What's your name?" Cheesecakeman asked.  
"Oh me? I'm the son of the nicest guy in the world, Burstintoflames, Steward of Frontdoor. Isn't that a funny name? Burstintoflames. I hope it doesn't mean something bad." He laughed. "I am, as I've said, Burstintoflames's son, one of two. My brother's name is Neglectimir. I hope that doesn't mean anything either."  
"I don't care. What's _your_ name?"  
"Harold. Nice to meet you. You can call me Hal!"  
"I might."  
Hal gave Cheesecakeman a thumbs up. "And you?"  
"You can die."  
Hal seemed puzzled by Cheesecakeman's reluctance to reveal his identity, but smiles again good-naturedly and turned to the Lady's shrine opposite the wall painting. He saw the broken sword lying there. He picked up the haft, shifting it in his hand, testing its weight and felt as a warrior would, and stared at the blade. There was a button on the statue. Hal pressed it.  
A recorded voice sounded. "These are the shards of Cartwheel. They did NOT cut the Doughnut from Moron's hand, but you can sound cool and say that they did…"  
"The shards of Cartwheel!" Hal said, "The blade that cut The Doughnut from Moron's hand! I do sound cool!" He stared at the blade some more. For some reason there was jelly on the blade, even though it never touched the doughnut. Hal licked the jelly from the broken blade. "Ow! Thtill Thowp!  
Cheesecakeman rolled his eyes and flicked Hal off.  
"What a jerk!" Hal thought to himself, "But no mo than a bwoken aowoom!" He said as he threw the haft to the ground. He ran from the room, almost crying.  
Lardwen entered the room as Cheesecakeman was putting the sword back on the shrine. "Why do you fear the past? You are Cheesildur's heir, not Cheesildur himself.  
"What does that have to do with anything?"  
Lardwen massaged her moustache, "A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor, Peppercorn. Ú or le a ú or nin."  
Cheesecakeman looked at her. "What?" 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The Council of Enron

The following morning, Spandalf and Lardo along with a congregation of Men, Elves and Dwarves sat in a semi-circle around a stone pedestal.  
Enron got up and spoke, "Strangers from distant lands, who are you? And what are you doing in my house?"  
Hal raised a finger in the air, "We have been summoned here to answer the threat of That land of tastebudless people."  
"Ah, yes." Enron said, waving his hand in a circle. "Not-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. Few can escape it, I can, and so can Hal, cuz he's a Ninja."  
Hal smiled, "Yeah, that's right."  
Enron continued. "You will unite or you will fall down. Literally, not figuratively… So… let's see the doughnut!"  
Lardo stepped towards the pedestal and reached down his pants. A little deeper, and he came out with the doughnut in his hands. He set it on the stone.  
"So it's true! This little guy's got the doughnut! I thought it was just a rumor!" Hal said. "Hey! Is the other rumor too?"  
"What rumor?" Enron asked.  
Hal picked up his chair and threw it at Cheesecakeman. The chair broke over his head and Cheesecakeman fell out of his, "What the heck's wrong with you?!" Cheesecakeman yelled.  
"No, I guess that one's not true… But, it's sort of like a gift, right? A gift to the foes of That land of tastebudless people? Why not use this Ring?" He paced, "Long has my father, Burstintoflames, the Steward of Frontdoor, kept the forces of That land of tastebudless people at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Can we have it?"  
Cheesecakeman got angry, "You cannot wield it, you chair-chucking freak! None of us can. The Doughnut answers to Moron alone. It has no other master."  
Hal looked at Cheesecakeman, "And what would some guy whose girlfriend has a moustache know of this matter?"  
An elf stood up, pretty fat, for an elf. "This is no mere guy who has bad taste in women! He is Peppercorn, son of Creamedcorn. You owe him your allegience, fathead! My name's Eggolas by the way."  
"Thanks!" Hal said. He coughed as he realized what the elf said, "Peppercorn?! This is Cheeseildur's heir?"  
Eggolas put in, "And heir to the throne of That land of tastebudless people!"  
"Um, no." Peppercorn said, "I'm the heir of Frontdoor. Mesa verde, Eggolas."  
Eggolas looked at Peppercorn strangely, "Do you even know what you just said?!"  
Hal returned to his seat, "Frontdoor has no king. Frontdoor needs no king."  
Eggolas pointed at Peppercorn, "You… what?"  
"Peppercorn is right." Spandalf said, "We cannot use it."  
Enron stood up, but too fast. He held his head as he sat down again and stood up once more, slower. "You have only one choice. The Doughnut must be destroyed."  
A very fat dwarf stood up, "Yeah! I'm all over this!" The dwarf ran towards the stone and everyone jumped up to stop him, but he grabbed the doughnut and drove his teeth into it. Tears leaked from his frozen face. "Oh… my… gases…" And he threw up everywhere.  
Enron was clearly entertained, but annoyed, "The Doughnut cannot be destroyed, Hefty, son of Lefty, by any esophogus that we here possess. The Doughnut was made in the fires of ...some volcano... Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into That land of tastebudless people and cast back into the fiery chasm from thence it came."  
"Thence means… there…" Eggolas said, "or nothing…"  
Enron ignored him, "One of you must do this."  
"Count me out," Hal said, "It's scary there. I live next door to it!"  
Eggolas, who was still standing, said, "Weren't you listening? We gotta get rid of it!"  
Hefty looked at the Elf. He swished listerine, "Have you tasted that crap? Nothing can destroy that!"  
Hal started to get mad, "And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Moron takes back what is his?!"  
Hefty hopped up and snot dripped from his nose. "I will be dead before I see The Doughnut in the hands of an Elf!"  
Hal, Hefty, and Eggolas got into a slapping fight.  
Lardo got up on his chair and spoke calmly, "Hey, I got it! I'll do it."  
The argument died down. Spandalf closed his eyes as he heard Lardo's statement. The members of the council slowly turned towards Lardo, astonished.  
"Yep," Lardo said, "I will take The Doughnut to that land of tastebudless people..."  
Everyone began arguing again.  
Lardo yelled, "Hey! I'll do it!"  
Hal looked at him, "You're serious? Didn't you hear what I said before? It's scary! You're dumb!"  
Lardo looked away from Hal, "Um... I don't know how to get there..."  
Spandalf walked over to Lardo, "I will help you bear this burden, Lardo Bacons, as long as I can stay alive..."  
Peppercorn came up and knelt in front of Lardo. "If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. Well… actually just by my life… You have my sausage… and my sword, I guess."  
Eggolas came forward. "And you have my bow."  
Hefty came out. Sorry. He walked forward. "Mine too! 'cept mine's an axe!"  
Hal rolled his eyes, "You carry the fate of us all 'dummo'. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Frontdoor will see it done."  
Spam dropped from the sky, "Hiyah! Mistuh Lardo a'int goin' nowhere 'thout me! Cuz I'm Spam! I'm a solja!"  
Enron looked at Spam, amused, "No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."  
Spam shot him a look, "Shut up, Elf!"  
Pimple and Hairy ran out from behind pedestals and ran in to meet everyone, "Wait! We're coming too!"  
Hairy pointed at one of the elves, "You'd have to send us home tied up in _seperate_ sacks to stop us!"  
Pimple put two fingers up on one fist, "I can do this!" He banged his fists together, put one finger down and one finger up, so there was one finger on each fist. He hit them again so the two standing fingers were now on the other fist.  
Hairy looked at him, "Yeah... You always need someone who can do that in a traveling party…"  
"Eighteen companions…" Enron said to the sky.  
"Nine." Spandalf corrected him.  
"Yes, but if you took a plane, you fatties would have to pay for eighteen seats."  
The company shared smiling looks and nods.  
"Well, a group of eighteen is technically called a…" Enron took out The Big Book of Proper Names of Groups of X, and said, "So be it! You shall be The _Jelloship_ of The Ring!"  
Pimple smiled very widely. "Great!" He made a weird face. "Ooh, I just wet myself…"  
Everyone backed away.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The Departure of the Jelloship

Lardo and Blubbo were in Blubbo's room. Nothing happened. They just talked.  
Blubbo pulled a sword out of a chest under his bed. "Whoa! How did that get there?" Blubbo said, "Oh well, I guess you can have it." He gave Lardo the sword.  
"What's its name?"  
Blubbo looked at Lardo strangely, "Its name?"  
"Yeah! Swords and boats and cars and stuff have names! What's her name?"  
"Well, I don't know. I think he's a boy anyway."  
"I'll call him… Sting."  
Blubbo waved his hands in the air, "No, no, no! That's a dumb name! Don't name him that!"  
"Well, tough!" Lardo yelled. "Sting's not your sword anymore! I do what I want!"  
"Shut up!" Blubbo said as he shoved a silver shirt down Lardo's throat.  
Lardo coughed it up and ran out of the room.  
Blubbo's face went all freaky as he tried to grab after Lardo. "Oh." Blubbo said, suddenly calm. "Sorry!"

Lardo looked at his company. He had to turn to see all of their fat bodies completely. Hairy and Pimple, the Blobbits from home were hitting each other with sticks. Spam, one of Lardo's worst friends, was counting floor tiles. Spandalf the Wizard was fiddling with his stick that he claimed could do magic stuff, but was never actually proven to be true. Then men, Peppercorn, who had been known as Cheesecakeman, was sharpening his sausage on a stone, and Hal was reading So you're the best character in the books. Eggolas, the elf, was pulling at his bowstring as if it were unfamiliar to him. And Hefty, son of Lefty, the dwarf, was eating something, Lardo couldn't tell what it was.  
Enron approached Lardo with a face that said, 'I can't remember your name.'  
"Lardo." Lardo said.  
"Lardo," Enron continued with a smile, "You gotta join your traveling party."  
"You know… when I said, I don't know how to get there, I was expecting a map and trail mix. I really don't want you guys with me."  
Silence.  
Lardo looked at Spandalf and rolled his eyes. "Let's go."  
The company passed through a gate and left Cholesterell.  
Lardo spoke up to Spandalf, "That land of tastebudless people Spandalf, left or right?"  
"Dennis." Spandalf said.  
And Lardo turned Dennis and walked towards That land of tastebudless people.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The Doughnut goes Souf

Spandalf muttered to himself, "We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If we get lucky, or the Rohans forgot to shut it, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From there our road turns antiDennis to That land of tastebudless people."  
Hal was practicing swords with Hairy and Pimple. "Two, one, five, Good!" He said with each swing of his sword.  
"Move your feet!" Peppercorn yelled at them.  
"Move your mom!" Pimple yelled.  
"Lookin' good, Pimple!" Hairy commented.  
"Your mom's lookin' good!" Pimple said.  
"If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're _not_," Hefty said, as Spandalf rolled his eyes, "I'd say we were taking the long way round. Spandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Gore-ya. My cousin, Falling, would give us a royal welcome."  
"No, bad idea, Hefty, I would not take the road through Gore-ya unless I had no other choice. I mean, it doesn't even make sense!"  
Hal chopped off Pimple's finger 'accidently', "Whoa! Sorry!"  
"GET HIM!" Pimple yelled, grabbing his hand. The Blobbits struck Hal in the legs, but they were too weak and nothing happened. Hal laughed jollily.  
"Look what you did!" Pimple yelled at Hal, holding up his bloody hand. "Now I'll only have ten fingers!"  
"But… you… ok." Hal stammered.  
Eggolas looked down souf. "Hey! What's-"  
But Spam stole his glory, "Hey! What's that thing that I noticed all by myself?"  
Hefty looked at the black streak in the sky. "NOTHING! IT"S JUST A WISP OF CLOUD!" He yelled defensivly.  
Everyone looked at him. "It's… it's a jet." Spandalf said.  
"Yeah," Hefty said. "I know!"  
"Jets!" Spandalf shouted, suddenly realizing. "Jets are evil!"  
Everyone looked at him.  
"That means we can't go over there! We must take the Pass of Cataracts!" He shouted, pointing up the mountain they were at the base of.  
"Really?" Lardo whined.  
"Do we have to?" Spam asked.  
"That crap's tall!" Hairy and Pimple said together  
"You're just lazy! Let's go!"


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

The Pass of Cataracts

The Jelloship walked up the snowy ground. As they climbed through the glistening, fresh snow beneath the great blue sky, Lardo lost his footing and fell, rolling down the slope towards Peppercorn.  
Lardo regained his footing and puts a hand down his pants. "Checking for the doughnut?" Peppercorn asked.  
"Sure." Lardo said.Finding it missing, he looked back up the slope. The Doughnut lay in the snow, glistening. Hal picked it up.  
"DROP THE DOUGHNUT!" Peppercorn said, drawing a gun.  
"Whoa! Where'd you get a gun?"  
"PUT THE DOUGHNUT ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!"  
Hal did this.  
Lardo took the doughnut and shoved it down his pants. He walked back up to where Spandalf was, stopping to kick Hal in the shin.

Sweetin Saruman stood on top of his tower. "Alright! I see how it is. You don't wanna hang out with me? I'll bring the mountain down on top of you! _Bringio downisar thelimas mountainiftar!_" He yelled at the mountain. He was really surprised when an avalanche started.

"IT'S SO FRICKIN' COLD!" Hefty said, "I BET IT'S WARM DOWN IN GORE-YA!"  
"SHUT UP, HEFTY!" Spandalf yelled at Hefty, "GORE-YA'S A BAD IDEA!"  
"HEY!" Eggolas yelled, "THE MOUNTAIN'S FALLING DOWN!"  
"YEAH!" Spandalf yelled, "THAT'S SWEETIN SARUMAN! HE'S MAD AT ME!"  
The snow from the avalanche fell all around the travelers.  
"THIS SUCKS!" Lardo yelled. "WE'RE GOING TO GORE-YA!"  
"NO WE AIN'T!" Spandalf yelled back.  
"I GOT THE DOUGHNUT! YOU GOTTA FOLLOW ME!"  
"FINE!"  
Spandalf and the Blobbits burst out in laughter.  
"WHAT?" Hal yelled.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The Stalker in the Water

The Jelloship passed under the mountain, walking through old mines, Spandalf called to Lardo, "Lardo, come and help an old, fat man!" When he came to him Spandalf asked, "How is your shoulder?"  
"My what?"  
Spandalf shoved his fingers into the wound that had been inflicted by the Dougul's diet blade.  
"OH GOSH!"  
"That! How's that doing?"  
"It's been better, but not too bad… Just don't touch it. Or drive your frickin' fingers into it!"  
Hefty hopped up and down, "We're there! We're there! The walls of Gore-ya!"  
There were two huge walls with graffiti all over them with a big stone door between them.  
There was strange markings that Spandalf ran his fat over, "It reads 'The Doors of Durin — Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.'"  
"What the crap does that mean?" Hairy asked.  
"You gotta say the password, you little idiot!"  
"What's the password?" Pimple asked.  
Spandalf threw a rock at Pimple, "I DON'T KNOW!" He spun around to the doors, "Open up! Open says me. OPEN DANG IT! I'll Kill Ya! I'll Kill All Your Dogs! Get Your Rear In Gear!!! Well, I give up." Spandalf sat down on Pimple's head. He mumbled to himself.  
Peppercorn started being a jerk again. "Spam! Get that dumb horse out of here!"  
Spam shed a tear, "Buh-bye Phil… I love you!" He kissed the horse.  
Hairy was throwing rocks into a bog nearby.  
Peppercorn pushed Hairy down.  
Lardo walked towards the doors, "What language does it say in… language…" He closed his eyes, turned around, walked to the edge of the bog and walked back to the doors. "What language is it written in?"  
Spandalf was bitter, "Elvish, stupid!"  
"Well, what's the elvish word for friend?"  
"Melon."  
"Melon?"  
"Melon."  
Lardo looked at the doors. "Melon?"  
The doors didn't open.  
"This is dumb!" Lardo yelled, "What does it mean, 'Speak Friend?'"  
The doors opened.  
"Hey!" Lardo yelled and ran inside.  
Everyone followed him.  
"Soon," Hefty said, "You stuck up Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves! Roaring lions, quadruple malt liquor, ripe smells that peel your flesh off the bone. This, my friend, is the home of my cousin, Falling. And they call it a mine. A mine!"  
Hal shook his head, looking at the bodies scattered along the ground, "This is no mine!"  
"I know!" Hefty hopped up and down again, "It's a wonderland!"  
The Jelloship watched Hefty jump up and down. Suddenly they heard Lardo yell, "Help me! I'm being pulled away by a giant bog monster!"  
Everyone turned around to see Lardo, hand over his mouth, laughing. "Got you!"  
Hal rolled his eyes, "We shouldn't have come here."  
The Jelloship nodded in agreement. Suddenly they heard Lardo yell, "Help me! I'm being pulled away by a giant bog monster!"  
Everyone turned around to see Lardo again, hand over his mouth again, laughing, again. "Got you, again!"  
"Now, get out! Get out!" Hal said.  
Suddenly Lardo was pulled away by a giant bog monster. "Help me! I'm being pulled away by a giant bog monster!" He cried.  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Hal said, not listening.  
"NO REALLY! I'M-" Lardo said, but was cut off because he got pulled under the water.  
Lardo surfaced with a large tentacle wrapped around his whole body. Eggolas ran up to him. "Shoot it!" Lardo yelled.  
"Where?"  
He took a breath, "ANYWHERE!"  
Eggolas tried, but it pulled Lardo down again.  
The Jelloship stood still in the water.  
Hal looked around. "I got a bad feeling about this."  
There was some silence, followed by a loud crunch that seemed to come from the walls.  
Lardo surfaced, gasping for breath.  
"Lardo!" Hairy yelled  
"What- What happened?" Pimple asked.  
"I don't know!" Lardo yelled, "It just let go of me and disappeared."  
The walls of the mines started to move. "What the heck?" Peppercorn said.  
"THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN!" Lardo said  
"Don't just stand there!" Spandalf yelled, "Try and brace it with something!"  
Hal looked on, "This seems so familiar."  
"Get on top of it!" Harrison Ford said.  
"I'm trying!" Carrie Fischer retorted.   
"Let's go inside!" Hal shouted.  
"Ok," said the company, and walked into the mines.  
It was dark as the walls closed over the opening.  
"We now have but one choice." Spandalf said as he whipped out his Maglite. "We must face the long dark of Gore-ya."  
Hefty ran through the group. "WONDERLAND!!!"


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

A Journey with the Dorks

Lardo took out the silver shirt that Blubbo 'gave' him and put it on, putting his old one on over it.  
Spandalf looked around. "Uh-oh."  
Hairy looked at him, "What is it? Are we lost?"  
"Yes, and I think this is going to be the shortest chapter in the book!"

Lardo looked over the lip of an overhang. There was an icky something crawling around on the ground. "Gross! Spandalf, what the crap is that?!"  
Spandalf didn't even look. "That's Slalom."  
"Gross!"  
"He's been following us for three days about…"  
"Why didn't Blubbo kill him when he could?"  
"I don't know. I would have!"  
Lardo looked at Spandalf, "Aren't you supposed to say something profound? Like 'Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends'?"  
"Yeah, probably. Hey, look at that!" Spandalf said as he pointed to a sign.  
There were two words with an arrow under each. One read Way Out and the other read Trash Compactor.  
Spandalf stood and motioned everyone to follow. "Let's go this way!" And started off.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Falling's Tomb

The Jelloship came to an open space. Broken columns lay tumbled across the floor. Spandalf lifted his Maglite. "Let me risk a little more light."  
The Maglite glowed brighter, almost magically. "Oooh," Hairy said, "Risque!"  
Spandalf looked at him and supressed the urge to hit him. The light illuminated a giant stone hall with tall pillars and arched ceilings.  
"Oh my stars!" Hefty said.   
"What did you just say?" Eggolas asked.  
"Now there's an eye opener and no mistake." Spam said, mouth agape.  
"You're entertained easily." Hal said.  
The Jelloship walked forward through the hall, peering around a column. Hefty saw a ray of sunlight shining through a chamber and ran towards it, making an awkward noise.  
"Hefty!" Spandalf said, but he was too late. Hefty was dead.  
There was the sound of a plane above the Jelloship and a white something fell from the plane. The white something was a parachute, attached to which was another Hefty.   
Hefty landed. "Hello! I am Hefty, son of Lefty! I understand _your_ Hefty, son of Lefty has just recently perished mysteriously."  
Spandalf was weirded out. "Yeah… He's right there in fact."  
"No matter. Where was I? or… where was he?" He giggled, and ran into the room with the light streaming from it.  
Hefty ran into the chamber. Bodies and weapons were scattered about it. The Dwarf stopped and knelt by a crypt in the center of the room. A shaft of light illuminated it.  
Spandalf walked forward and peered at the tomb's surface.  
Hefty groaned and cried. It was evident by his crying that he never had participated in crying before. He wasn't used to it. "No! No, no, no!"  
Spandalf translated the tomb from Dwarvishianlandic to Menish, "'Here lies Falling, son of Fricking, Lord of Gore-ya.' He is dead then. Good and dead. It's as I feared."  
Hefty tried to cry again. Still didn't work.  
Spandalf gave his stick and hat to Pimple, bent down, and took a large, battered book from a dead guy's hands. He opened it and every single page fell out. "Oh, come on!"  
Eggolas leaned over to Peppercorn. "Why are we still here? This place gives me the creeps."  
Spandalf read, ""'They have taken the bridge… and the second hall. We have barred the gates… but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums… drums… in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark.'"  
Pimple stumbled back and sees a corpse with an arrow in its chest, sitting by a stone well. He turned towards it. "Hey, baby. Come here often?" Pimple asked it.  
"'We cannot get out…'" He glanced at the last, single line, a scrawl fading out at the bottom of the page. Spandalf looked up in the uncomfortable silence. "'They are coming!' Gandalf read. Gimli wailed again."  
Lardo looked confused. "What book is that?"  
Spandalf showed Lardo the cover. "The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkein."  
Lardo took it into hand. "Weird."  
There was a loud crashing sound like the sound of a fully armored corpse falling down a mile deep well into a mine of metal ore. Everyone looked to Pimple automatically.  
Pimple's face was frozen, his lips puckered at the open air, his arm suspended as if over a shoulder.  
Spandalf yelled, "Fool of a Fook! Go to a monastary!"  
Drums are heard booming. Spandalf slowly turned back, and Pimple turned as well, staring down into the well. Well.  
More drums are heard booming. Spam turned to Lardo, "Lardo!"  
Lardo drew Sting. It was glowing blue. He sheathed it again. "Spandalf. My sword is sick."  
Hal leaned out the door way. A giant, giant arrow nearly took his head off. "They have a cave Troll." He said calmly as he took his head back in. "And I wet myself."  
Eggolas hopped back a step.  
The Blobbits ran away, deeper into the tomb room.   
Eggolas drew nine arrows and nocked them.  
Peppercorn drew one, and looked at Eggolas with a newfound admiration.  
Hal and Spandalf flanked the archers each with a sword. Hal also had a sheild cuz he was cool.  
Hefty desecrated his loved one's grave by standing on his tomb, "Lethecu…" he babbled. Everyone looked at him.  
The doors erupted as Porks escorted a hugely tall tan creature with a shock of pink hair that doubled its height. It was a Troll.  
Eggolas fired all nine of his arrows. He killed 36 Porks. Not in all. 36 with each arrow.  
With nothing else to do, the Jelloship looked at each other. "Ok." Spandalf said. "Now that there aren't any more Porks… let's take on the Troll."  
Peppercorn looked at the Troll. "How can we kill something so huge?"  
"Don't you know the weakness of Trolls?" Hefty asked.  
"Fire! Fire melts plastic!" Hal said.  
"It's made of plastic?" Lardo said as he jumped out. The Troll whipped out a spear and stabbed him into the wall.  
Everyone looked at the Troll. "Jerk!" Hairy and Pimple shouted as they jumped out from their hiding place with some sausages they stashed away. They jumped on the Troll's head and threw their sausages down. They then jumped down to the ground.  
Peppercorn looked at them. "Sausages don't work on Trolls! It works on Douguls because they're all allergic to sausage. It makes them burst into flames."  
"That's my dad's name!" Hal said.   
Spam walked out of an adjoining room, holding fire. "Hey! What should I do with this?"  
Everyone stared at him. "Where did you get that?" Spandalf asked.  
"No matter!" Peppercorn said. "Throw it at the Troll before it…" Peppercorn looked at the Troll. It hadn't moved since it had stabbed Lardo. Speaking of. He looked at Lardo. He was still overreacting, making faces and annoying noises. "Throw it on the Troll!"  
Spam threw the fire at the foot of the Troll, but it went out before it touched. "Dang." Spam said.  
"Well, that's just great." Eggolas said. "What are we gonna do now? I used all nine of my arrows!"  
"And I desecrated a grave, so I'll probably have a ghost spoiling my plans of killing this Troll!"  
The Troll looked down. "You want to kill me?"  
"Well, yeah!" Spandalf said. "You almost killed our fat little buddy over there!" Lardo fell down.  
The Troll welled up and started to cry. He ran out of the room.  
The Jelloship watched the Troll run away and then they went over to Lardo.  
"Lardo! Are you alive?" Peppercorn yelled, shaking Lardo.  
"Yeah." Lardo said. "I'm ok. That didn't hurt much!"  
"What?! The Troll stabbed you with a giant, giant spear!"  
"Yeah. I dunno. It must have been something with this new shirt that Blubbo tried to kill me with!" Lardo took off his old shirt to show everone his new silver shirt.  
"Oh my!" Hefty said, putting both hands over his mouth. "Could it be?"  
Everyone looked at Hefty.  
"It's Methril! Nothing can break it! Except six swords made of diamond all applied to the same point. But what are the odds of that?"  
There was a weird, Asian sounding roar.  
"Uh-oh." Spandalf said. "We better get out of here fast!"  
"What is it?" Hal asked.  
"Not now. Later. To the Bridge of Cuzi'mdumb! Hurry!" 


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The Bridge of Cuzi'mdumb

The Jelloship ran out the chamber into a hall of pillars. Spam ran into one of the pillars. "Whoa!" He said. "Came outta nowhere!"  
Suddenly Porks started showering from the sky. "WHAT THE HECK?!" Hal shouted.  
Hefty let out a yell. A flickering neon light appeared at the end of a hall followed by a thunderous rumble. The Porks fled in all directions. Hefty laughed, thinking he had scared off the Porks. He hadn't.  
The Jelloship was left alone. The weary wizard stared down the hall. Spandalf looked at him. "Hey!" he said. "I'm a Wizard too!"  
The weary wizard died.  
Hal pointed at the neon light. "What is this new devilry? Cost 2. Moria condition. It's good, but I can't remember what it does right now."  
Spandalf looked at him. "Hm?"  
"Nothing." Hal said. "What's that light?"  
"A demon of the Asian world. A foo beyond any of you. An Eggroll."  
"I love Eggrolls!" Lardo said happily.  
Spandalf turned around. "Not that kind of Eggroll!"  
Lardo was confused.  
"RUN!" Spandalf yelled.  
Everyone followed Spandalf as he bolted away from the light.  
The Jelloship entered a passageway and went down a flight of steps. The flight ended in a missing segment, and Hal fell off, but since he was a ninja he stopped falling shortly after he began and hopped back on the stairs.  
"Spandalf!" Peppercorn yelled.  
"Lead them on, Peppercorn," Spandalf said, "The bridge is near."  
The two stared off into the distance. "That thing? I can barely see it!"  
Spandalf shook him and yelled, "DO AS I SAY!"  
"FINE!" Peppercorn yelled.  
Spandalf laughed as he ran back up the stairs, "Sausages are of no more use here." He said as he passed Hairy chewing on a piece of sausage.  
Spandalf made it to the top of the steps and looked right into the eyes of the Eggroll. "I'm gonna go this way, then." He turned, all the Jelloship was on their way to the bridge. They had already jumped over thousands of little holes and traveled about a mile. "Wow. Did I just stroke off there for a second?"  
The Eggroll roared.  
Spandalf took a step and was immediately caught up with the Jelloship. "Wow. Weird. Don't care anymore."  
Eggolas jumped over a really big hole in the stairs. An arrow nearly hit his foot. He took out 48 arrows and killed all the Porks on the ledges looking at them. Even if they didn't have a bow. "That'll teach _you_ to be born!" Eggolas shouted.  
Hal took Hairy and Pimple into his arms and jumped across the hole, clearing it easily.  
Spandalf jumped across and was braced by Eggolas on the otherside.   
Peppercorn took Spam and threw him across to the arms of Hal. Peppercorn then reached over to Hefty.  
"Hey! Nobody tosses a Dwarf!" and Hefty tried to jump across. He was about four feet short, and fell to his death. The plane came again and dropped off another Hefty.  
Peppercorn and Lardo were the only ones left on the opposite side. "Stay still." Peppercorn said to Lardo. The platform began to shake as it broke lower down. "Perfect!" Peppercorn said.  
Lardo looked at him, "You need pills or something!"  
"Lean forward!" Peppercorn said as the platform swayed.  
They leaned forward and the platform fell to the side.  
"Suck!" Peppercorn said as they started to fall to their deaths. "I thought that would've worked better."  
Hal appeared next to Lardo and Peppercorn and grabbed ahold of them, and before you could say Ninja they were magically standing next to Spandalf.  
Spandalf looked at everyone, "To the bridge! Fly!"  
Hal started to fly. "Can do!"  
"I actually meant go fast, but ok."  
The Jelloship ran towards the bridge and ran across. Spandalf chose to stay in the back for protection. A bad idea he'd later discover.  
Spandalf stopped in the middle of the bridge and spun around. The walls erupted to show a big creature on fire. It looked to be made of cabbage and bits of pork and carrot.   
"You cannot pass!" Spandalf yelled  
"Spandalf!" Lardo yelled.  
"I am the 'servant of the Secret Fire', 'wielder of the Flame of Anor'…" Spandalf spat out at the Eggroll.  
Peppercorn leaned over to Hal. "What?"  
Spandalf stared at the Eggroll, "The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udûn!"  
The Eggroll roared, spewing a nasty burnt peanut smell into the air. He took a step onto the bridge.  
Spandalf clenched his teeth, "Go home!"  
The Eggroll took another step.  
Spandalf drove his stick into the bridge as he yelled, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"  
The Eggroll took out a big, big sword and long flaming bungee cord and took another step, but the bridge broke under him, causing him to fall to his falling death.  
"Yeah, that's right!" Spandalf yelled at the Eggroll as it fell.  
The bungee cord flew back up and grabbed Spandalf by the leg.  
"Uh-oh." Spandalf said as it pulled him down. He caught himself by his fingertips on a rock.  
"SPANDALF!" Lardo yelled and tried to run out and grab him.  
Peppercorn stopped him. "No, let's watch."  
"You're sick! You know that?" Lardo yelled at Peppercorn.  
Lardo turned back to Spandalf.  
Spandalf opened his mouth and said two words, "Fly, idiots!"  
"Can do." Hal's voice resounded from the caves. The Jelloship hauled the Blobbits away. They were all emotional and gushy. Nobody likes a gushy Blobbit. NOBODY!  
The Jelloship exited Gore-ya. Harold tried to restrain Hefty as the Dwarf vented out his rage and sorrow in a way that wasn't appropriate at all.  
Hairy consoled Pimple, who lay crying.  
Spam sat on the ground, bowed his head and took out his cell phone and texted "Spndy's ded. X-(…" to Rosette.   
Peppercorn wiped his sword clean, even though he didn't even use it, sheathed it, and turned to the others. "Eggolas, get them up."  
Hal jumped up, "Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"  
Peppercorn shook his head, "No." He kicked Spam. "On your feet Spam! Lardo? Lardo!"  
Lardo stood alone upon the hillside. Weeping silently, he turned towards Peppercorn, a single tear running down his chin.  
"Stop crying!" Peppercorn yelled at him. "He'll be back in the next book!"


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Gothlorien

Chortling, icy blue water gurgles across Dale. Dale giggled and died.   
Peppercorn ran up on top of a rock. He saw a big forest. "Let's go there!"

In the midst of the forest Hefty took the Blobbits aside. "Stay close, young Hobbits! They say that a great sPorkeress lives in these woods, an Elf-witch, of terrible power. All who look upon her, fall under her spell…"  
Lardo heard a voice in his head. It wasn't the normal voice that he was used to hearing. "Lardo…"  
"…and they never leave any witnesses." Hefty went on.  
Peppercorn stopped. "That doesn't make any sense!"  
The voice came back into his head. "…Your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Ring-bearer!" He fell over.  
Spam came to his side. "Mister Lardo."  
Hefty pranced, haughtily, "Well, here is one Dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox!"  
Lardo got up. "Yeah, we weren't going to say anything. Our old Hefty didn't. He looked like a normal person."  
A notched arrowed appeared in front of Hefty and Lardo's face.  
Eggolas pulled out only five arrows and nocked them, only to be surrounded by drawn bows.  
An ugly guy came out from behind a tree. "The Dwarf was so weird looking we shot him in the dark."  
Peppercorn corrected him. "Don't you mean, we _could_ have shot him in the dark."  
"Nope."  
Hefty lay on the ground riddled with arrows.  
"Oh." Peppercorn said as a new, normal looking Hefty dropped from the sky. "what's your name again?" Peppercorn asked.  
"I invited you to my 428th birthday!"  
"I know, but I'm getting old, I can't remember everything anymore."  
"You know what? Just call me Hal!"  
Hal spoke up, "But that's my name! It'll be way too confusing!"  
Peppercorn lifted his hands, "How about this. We call Hal, Hal. And we call this new Hal, Ugly Hal. How does that sound."  
Ugly Hal shrugged. "Ok."

"Mae govannen, Eggolas Thranduilion," some Elf said to Eggolas.  
Eggolas slapped him in the face and took off his pants. "Govannas vîn gwennen le, o Liren!"  
The Elf took Eggolas's pants and put them on.  
Ugly Hal turned to Peppercorn, "A, Peppercorn in Dúnedain istannen le ammen."   
Peppercorn dipped his head, "Jadur."  
There was silence. The Elf took off Eggolas's pants and gave them back to him.  
"So much for the legendary courtesy of the Elves!" hefty said, annoyed. "Speak words we can also understand!"  
Ugly Hal looked at Hefty. "We have not had _dealings_ with the Dwarves since the Dark Days."  
Hefty bit his thumb at the Elf. "And you know what this Dwarf says to that? Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul!"  
Ugly Hal hit him in the shoulder.   
Peppercorn grabbed Hefty, "That was not so courteous."  
"You don't even know what I said!" Hefty said.  
Ugly Hal looked at Lardo and freaked out, "You bring great evil with you. You can go no further!"  
He walked away. Spam and Pimple turned to look at Lardo. He looked slightly uncomfortable.  
Peppercorn argued with Ugly Hal, angrily. "Bo amme veid lîn. Ande i en!"  
Ugly Hal stared at Peppercorn.  
Peppercorn spoke again. "Mern li teklim."   
Ugly Hal took Peppercorn's shoulder. "You're not even saying anything!"  
Eggolas turned to look at Lardo, who looked away, and his eyes fell on Spam.  
Spam looks away, a hurt expression in his eyes.  
Hairy and Pimple did the same.  
Hefty glanced at Lardo and made a face.  
Hal put a hand on Lardo's shoulder, "Spandalf's death was not in vain… nor would he have you give up hope. You carry a heavy burden, Lardo… don't carry the weight of the dead."  
"I don't." Lardo said. "It was Peppercorn's fault!"

A caravan of Elves led The Jelloship along a ridge, through the golden woods. Hal glanced at Lardo behind him. The group came to the end of the high ridge and looked out. A great glade of trees rose above them.  
Ugly Hal pulled a Vanna White with his arms and said, "Caras Galadhon… the heart of Stuck-upness on earth. Realm of the Lord Celery and of Saladriel, Lady of Lite."


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Caras Galadhon, What the crap does that mean?

The Jelloship climbed a winding staircase up a great tree that could not have been manmade. They came to a platform and got off the stairs. There stood the only characters in this whole book that aren't fat. Their names were Lord Celery and Saladriel, Lady of Lite.  
Celery spoke, "Sixteen there are here, yet eighteen there were, set out from Cholesterell. Tell me, where is Spandalf, for I much desire to speak wiff him."  
Saladriel spoke, staring at Peppercorn, "Spandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He has fallen into shadow."  
"Why you lookin' at me, freak?!" Peppercorn shouted.  
"He was taken by both Cabbage and …eggroll: an Eggroll of Chinatown. For we went needlessly into the net of Gore-ya, isn't that right, HEFTY?"  
Hefty looked down, sadly.  
Saladriel stared at Lardo now, "The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and you'll screw everything up!"  
Spam broke wind and Saladriel looked at him. "Do not let your bowels be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and many beans, or so it would seem. Tonight you will rest in peace."  
Hal shot Saladriel a mortified look.  
"Oh, sorry. Tonight you will _sleep_ in peace."

Some elves were singing in Elvish. Hairy looked to Eggolas, "What are they saying?"  
"A lament for Spandalf." Eggolas said.  
"What do they say about him?"  
Eggolas shook his head, "It's not appropriate. Go to sleep, now."

Peppercorn walked over to Hal, who was sharpening his sword on a stone with an oiled cloth. "Hey," Hal said, happily. "So, why aren't you King of Frontdoor? I think that'd be awesome! I'm just some steward's son."  
"To tell the truth," Peppercorn said, "I've never actually been to Frontdoor. I was born in Cholesterell and I never returned."  
"So you've never even seen it?"  
"I have seen the White City, long ago."  
"One day, our paths will lead us there. And the tower guard shall take up the call: "'The Lords of Frontdoor have returned!'"  
"Ok. That'll be fun. But what if you die?"  
Hal stopped, "What if you die?"  
"I won't."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"I just won't."  
Hal scratched his chin.  
"You're gonna die. I can tell already…"  
Hal walked away.  
Peppercorn layed down on the soft grass that Hal had just been sitting in. "Works everytime."


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The mirror of Saladriel

The Jelloship was asleep. A glowing figure in a flowing dress walked by them. Lardo woke up with a start. "Spam? What are you doing?"  
Spam took the dress off and ran back to bed.  
Saladriel then glided past Lardo. "Follow me…" she said. Lardo followed. Saladriel descended to a glade and filled a silver pitcher with water from a stream. She stood before an ornate stand with a shallow silver basin upon it. The Lady turned towards Lardo. "Will you look into the mirror, Lardo?"  
"Will I see you?"  
"Probably not…"  
"Alright. What _will_ I see?"  
"Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror… shows many things…" she began to pour the pitcher into the basin. "…things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass."  
Lardo looked into the basin of water. He saw the Mean Mime Inn. It started to be pummled by sausages and the Inn burst into flames. "Hmmm…" Lardo said. All sorts of nasty, bad crap appeared before Lardo's eyes. He looked up to Saladriel, "This is dumb! Why do you have this? This is dumb!" The Eye of Moron filled the mirror. Lardo pulled back and fell down on his fat butt.  
Saladriel stared at Lardo creepily, "I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind."  
"Creep!" Lardo yelled."  
"It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The Jelloship is breaking: it is already begun. He will try to take the Doughnut. You know of whom I speak. One by one, it will destroy them all."  
"Do you want the Doughnut? I don't! I'll give it to you!"  
"Boy, do I!"

The next morning Spam woke up and Lardo was staring at him strangely. "I… It wasn't what it looked like."  
Lardo held the Doughnut in his hand.  
"Why are you holding the Doughnut? Why isn't it down your pants?"  
"I was talking to Saladriel last night."  
"Did she try to take the Doughnut from you?"  
"No, she went all freaky and called her self the dark queen and… yeah… It was pretty freaky."  
"Hm… Weird."  
"Yeah, weird."


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

The fighting Uruk-Pies

Porkshank rose through plumes of black smoke. Sweetin Saruman and a large Porklike creature stood in the rising sun in an inner chamber of Porkshank. "Do you know how the Porks first came into being?" Sweetin Saruman asked the big Porkish thing as he slapped a nametag on it. It read: Hullo, my name is Lurch. "They were Elves once, taken by the dark powers. Tortured and mutilated…"  
Lurch growled.  
Sweetin Saruman spat on the ground, "… a ruined and terrible form of life. And now… perfected: my fighting Uruk-Pie."  
Lurch rolled his eyes  
"Whom do you serve?" Sweetin Saruman asked.  
"Sweetin Saruman!" Lurch drawled reluctantly.

The Uruk-Pies were fitted with armor and were given weapons. They received fat, muddy handprints on their heads and faces. They then assembled in a great cavern beneath a high balcony.  
Sweetin Saruman spoke loudly, "Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man-flesh!"  
"MAN-FLESH! MAN-FLESH!" They chanted.  
Sweetin Saruman spoke to Lurch as they stand on the balcony. "One of the Fatlings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive, and unspoiled. Kill the others!"  
An Uruk-Pie troop left Isengard in a long column.  
"MAN-FLESH! MAN-FLESH!" They chanted still.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Farewell to Gothlorien

An elegant ship, carved in the likeness of a swan, flowed through a river. Saladriel stood in it. It rocked and she fell out, but quickly scrambled back in.  
On shore, cloaks were fastened around The Jelloship with green, silver-veined leaf-nails. They were driven into each one's shoudler. "AH! THAT'S MY BAD SHOUDLER!" Lardo yelled as they drove the nail into his arm to keep on his cloak. "Don't you have like a safety pin or something?" "Never before have we clad strangers in the garb of our own people." Celery said bitterly. "May these cloaks help shield you from unfriendly eyes. Or disguise you as a rock or something dumb like that."  
Elves prepared for the departure of the Jelloship. Eggolas is among them, shifting parcels into a set of boats provided by the Galadhrim. He held up a piece of bread for Hairy and Pimple to see, as they sit in a boat.  
"Wonder!" Eggolas said, breaking off a piece and popping it into his mouth, "Elvish Way-bread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man."  
Hairy turned to Pimple once Eggolas was away. "How many did you eat?"  
"Nine loaves." He belched.  
Saladriel handed out little gifts to everyone. "Hairy, Pimple," she said as she pulled out a couple of shivs. "I give you two Elven pieces. Use them wisely. In the real world it's shank or be shanked."  
"Yes ma'am!" They said, saluting.  
"Eggolas, I give you this bow."  
"I can fire eighty-some arrows with this bow just fine."  
Saladriel looked at Eggolas and placed the bowstring behind his head. She pulled the bow away and let go, sending the bow splattering into Eggolas's face. He fell down, bleeding severly.  
"ANYBODY ELSE THINGK THEY'RE TOO GOOD FOR MY STUFF?"  
"No ma'am." They all said, scared.  
"Spam, I got some rope for you. I won't break cuz we Elves know how to make rope!"  
Spam looked over at Hairy and Pimple's shanks. "I want one of those."  
"Whine about it! Or better yet, use my gracious gift and go hang yourself! Oh, I'm kidding!" She giggled and walked away.  
Spam was angry, "Hey! I'm serious!" Saladriel keeps walking away. He yelled at her. "GET BACK HERE! ROPE?"  
"Lardo, here's a Maglite. I know that Spandalf had one, and I'd like to always remind you of the guy you killed."  
Lardo took it and cried.  
"Well. I don't wanna give any of you anymore gifts."  
"But," Hefty said, "I really want…" he grumbled.  
"What do you want?" Saladriel said as she rolled her eyes.  
"Just to gaze upon the beautiful Lady of the Elves."  
"Well you saw me. Go home."  
"Oh, well… could I have one more thing?"  
"What?"  
"Just a hair…"  
Saladriel weirded out and turned around. She lifted her dress slightly and yanked off three long leg hairs. "There you go, straight from the… place where hair grows…"  
Hefty smiled and sniffed the hair deeply.  
Saladriel cringed and waved everyone off.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

The Breaking of the Jelloship

The Jelloship sailed towards a great, roaring waterfall. Hal looked troubled and appears to be fighting a conflict within him, making his hands talk to each other and punching them. Lardo glanced at him, and raised his lip. The Jelloship made camp.  
Peppercorn hefted one of the gay looking boats over his head. He then proceded to do some one handed pushups, clapping between each while saying, "I'm so cool. We cross the lake at nightfall. Hide the boats and continue on foot. We approach That land of tastebudless people from the north."  
Hefty choked on his cup of raw eggs, "Oh, yes?! It's just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impassable labyrinth of razor sharp rocks! And after that, it gets even better! Festering wounds and stinking marshlands, far as the eye can see!"  
He got up and dusted the dirt from his hands, "Complain, complain. That is our road. I suggest you take some rest and try to get your wallet back from me, Fatso Dwarf."  
"Try to get my…?! Phrrr…"  
Peppercorn looked at Hefty. "Don't you DARE Phrrr… at me!"  
Eggolas looked across the river. "We should go now. There's Porks everywhere. If we go now they'll miss us."  
"No…" Peppercorn said, "That's just what they'll be expecting…"  
Hairy walked back from the forest, zipping up his pants. "Where's Lardo?"  
Everyone looked around. Lardo was nowhere. And someone that fat would stand out.  
Peppercorn turned, "Hal, I think we should…" but Hal wasn't there. Just his sheild and a note reading, 'I'm gonna take the doughnut, I'm gonna take the doughnut, I'm gonna take the doughnut, I'm gonna take the doughnut, I'm gonna take the doughnut, I'm gonna take the doughnut, etc, etc.

Lardo wandered alone, or so he thought, in the forests. He heard a twig snap behind him. He turned to see Hal crouched, obviously trying to be stealthy. He stood up and snapped his fingers. "You caught me."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Picking up sticks." Hal said, motioning to a pile of sticks in his hands.  
"Why?"  
"I dunno."  
"I saw that note that you wrote."  
"Oh, the note that said I'm gonna take the doughnut over and over? That was just a joke. I was trying to freak out Spam."  
"Oh! Yeah, that probably worked. I like you Hal! You're my kind of guy! Put 'er there!" Lardo threw out his hand.  
Hal took it smiling. Once he had a firm grip his smile disappeared and he threw Lardo into the ground. He stepped on Lardo's neck, "Give me the doughnut." He said harshly.  
Lardo reached into his pants and slipped the doughnut on his finger and disappeared.  
Hal weirded out a bit and suddenly changed his song, "He he he, just kidding Lardo! Don't kill me with your magic ninja skills. He he he."

In the void Lardo spat as much as he could to get the taste of the baking chocolate from his mouth. He ran around like a chicken with its tongue cut out. Before he knew it he was on top of some picnic table type thing. He turned to see the frosting ringed eye of Moron and fell off the picnic table. He grabbed at the doughnut.

Lardo landed hard on his back.  
Peppercorn approached, "Lardo?"  
Lardo spun around, "Hal just freaked out and stepped on my neck."  
"WHERE IS THE DOUGHNUT?!"  
"Stay away!" Lardo yelled.  
"Lardo! I swore to protect you!"  
Lardo pulled Sting out of its sheath, "You said on your life, but if I end your life." A laugh tickled Lardo's throat.  
"Lardo. Here." Peppercorn threw Lardo an orange bottle. "This is called Adderall. You're getting a little scary. This will make you nice. Everyone likes a nice Lardo."  
Lardo hit the bottle away. "Yeah, I'm ok now."  
"You know I wouldn't hurt you."  
"You're like a plate of cookies."  
Peppercorn picked up the bottle again. Lardo shook his head. "I would have followed you straight into the fires of that volcano. Well. Not into the fires, but close enough th destroy the douhgnut."  
"I know what you mean. I'm gonna go off by myself though now." Lardo turned to leave. He turned around again, "Don't tell Spam."


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

The Battle of a Man's Hen

Lardo ran off and Peppercorn turned to walk back down the hill to the camp. But he was stopped by a horde of Uruk-Pies.  
"Wow. Today's just not my day." He started hacking them to pieces.  
Lurch stood up above all the others, "FIND THE FATLINGS! Ungh! FIND THE FATLINGS!"  
"Lemonpeel!" Peppercorn yelled as he jumped on top of a bunch of Uruk-Pies.  
Hefty and Eggolas leapt out from behind some ruins and started beating up the Uruk-Pies. Eggolas took out 39 arrows and killed three Uruk-Pies with each. But there were more, and Eggolas was out of arrows. "Oh, what a fool I was!" Eggolas yelled to the sky, "'Milord Eggolas,' Lunis had said, 'would you like 40 arrows?' 'No!' said I, 'I will not need _that_ many. Put only 39 in!' What a fool! What a foolish fool!"  
Hefty started swinging his axe around and yelling loud and high. Most of the Uruk-Pies who weren't killed by his axe were freaked out and ran away from his creepy scream

Spam came running up beside Hefty and Eggolas, "Hey, have you seen Lardo around here?"  
Hefty growled, "Go away, kid!"  
"I think I saw Peppercorn talking to him…"  
Hefty turned to Eggolas, "Go away, kid!"  
Eggolas brought Spam over to Peppercorn who was being choked under the arm of an Uruk-Pie. "Hey, Peppercorn. Spam wants to ask you something."  
Peppercorn gave the Uruk-Pie an elbow in the mouth and it fell off of him.  
Spam kicked at the ground in front of him. "Um. Hi, Peppercorn. Remember me? Yeah, well, I was just wondering… How are you?"  
"Spit it out! We're in a battle here!"  
"Where'd Lardo go?"  
"Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you he went that way." He pointed  
"Thanks!" Spam ran off creepily, the way that all fat kids run.

Hairy and Pimple were all freaking out when they noticed that there were Uruk-pies running all around them. They hid behind a tree, but it wasn't wide enough to hide them. They hid behind two big rocks. That did it.  
Lardo ran down the hill and hid behind a rock across the way. "Hey! It's Lardo!" Pimple said.  
Lardo waved, grimly.  
"What's going on?" Hairy asked Lardo.  
Lardo slid his finger across his throat. "Quiet!" he whispered.  
"What?!" Pimple yelled.  
Lardo ran off as two Uruk-Pies ran through and scared Hairy and Pimple away.

Eggolas started punching Uruk-Pies to death as Peppercorn sworded them.  
The two heard a car horn. "Was that?" Eggolas questioned, punching an Uruk-Pie in the Solar Plexus.  
"The horn of Frontdoor!"  
"Hal!"

Hal sat in his Oldsmobile, honking his horn. "Help me guys! I'm being overrun!"  
Hairy and Pimple stood and looked at him in his car. "Hi Hal!"  
Hal got out of his car and waved at them, "Hey buds! How are you guys doing?"  
An arrow came out of nowhere and hit Hal in the shoulder.  
Hal looked down at it. "Ow!"  
Hal looked up to see Lurch with a bow in the air. He smiled.  
Hairy poked at the arrow, "What's that? Why's it in you?"  
Another arrow flew and hit Hal in the stomach. He fell down to his knees.   
Pimple cocked his head, "You alright, man?"  
Hal stood up and patted Pimple on the head, "Oh yeah, I'll be fine. As long as I don't get another one of these!" Hal tapped the arrows and winced.  
A third arrow flew and hit him in the other shoulder.  
"Well that just sucks." Hal said as he fell back down to his knees. "Go kick some butt," he said to the Blobbits.  
Hairy and Pimple took out their shanks and ran at the Uruk-Pies surrounding Lurch. They picked them up easily and carried them off, kicking and screaming.  
Lurch walked right up to Hal's face and drew an arrow back, ready to let fly right through his head. His fingers shook.  
Peppercorn flew through and tackled Lurch to the ground, saying, "This book is supposed to be funny!"  
The two fought for a while. Lurch pinned Peppercorn to a tree with the notch in his shield and attempted to chop his head off, but Peppercorn escaped in the nick of time, saying again, "SILLY BOOK!"  
Lurch didn't understand the 'no violence' rule so Peppercorn swung his sword and in a completely different chain of events Lurch's arm fell off. Peppercorn stabbed his sword into Lurch's stomach (peacefully) but Lurch pulled Peppercorn towards himself, roaring as he did so. When he was close enough Peppercorn drew his sword out and swung. Lurch's head fell off somehow, but it had nothing to do with Peppercorn's sword swinging.  
Peppercorn noticed Hal, falling to the ground from his kneeling position. He dropped down to talk to Hal closer. "They took the fat kids!" Hal gasped.  
"Stop talking, you'll die faster!"  
"You're a big meanie!" Hal said. "Where's Lardo?"  
"I made him go away."  
"Then you are a greater man than I. I think I tried to take the doughnut from him, but I can't really remember what happened there…"  
"It's ok. We all stroke off every so often. But you won't have died in vain."  
"I could still pull through."  
"I wouldn't count on it." Peppercorn said. "I'll make sure that honor is restored to Frontdoor and our people won't fail."  
"_Our_ people?"  
"The Frontdoorians."  
"I know who they are, but you said you'd never go back."  
"Yeah, well I changed my mind."  
"Oh." Hal said and died.  
Eggolas came through. "Oh, he's dead? Dang. He was the nicest guy in the Jelloship, too!"


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

The road goes ever on until it stops…

Lardo stood upon the pale grey shore, staring into the distance, with the Doughnut lying on his palm. Spam ran through the woods. "Lardo!" he called.  
Weeping silently, Lardo talked half to himself, half to Spandalf if he could hear him wherever he was. "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. I wish that Pimple wasn't such a dumb, big-mouthed Blobbit. I wish Hairy wouldn't have come with us, just flat straight. I wish the first Hefty hadn't died. I wish Eggolas would have saved some Porks in Gore-ya for Peppercorn to fight, he looked like he needed to kill something. I wish Peppercorn hadn't grabbed me so hard when he pulled me into his room. I wish you hadn't died Spandalf. I wish Hal hadn't died. Wait, Hal died?!" He began to cry as he shoved the doughnut deep down his pants and pushed one of the gay swan boats into the water. He got in cautiously because Blobbits couldn't swim- too fat."Lardo, no! Lardo! Mister Lardo!" Spam called as he emerged from the wood.  
Lardo rolled his eyes. "No Spam! I don't want you to come with me! Go home!"  
"Whatever, I'm coming anyway!"  
Lardo paddled furiously to get away from Spam.  
Spam kept wading through the water.  
"No! Dumb! You can't swim!"  
Spam's head went under the water.  
"Spam!" He didn't come up. "Oh great. A bunch of people just read that I killed Spam. They're gonna sue me!"  
He reached down into the water and pulled Spam up. The water was actually only two or three inches deep, Spam just fell over and thought he was drowning.  
"I made a promise, Mister Lardo. A promise!" Spam said, spitting water out of his mouth, "'Don't you leave him Spamwise Hamandcheese.' And I don't mean to! I don't mean to."  
"Oh, Spam!" Lardo said, touched, "Hug me…" they attempted to hug but they both raised the Same arm. They put them down and then both raised the Same arm again… After this they both gave up… "Come on." Lardo gave Spam a paddle and they made their way to the other shore.

Harold is laid to rest in one of the boats. His sword rests with him, his shield is above his head and his car at his side. Peppercorn pushed the boat out to drift, but the weight made the boat sink. "Oops."  
Eggolas watched Spam and Lardo's whole ordeal from the initial side of the river. "Hurry! Lardo and Spam have reached the eastern shore, and we haven't even short-sheeted them!" he looked but Peppercorn was busy stealing Hal's stuff. Hefty was packing his bags. "You mean not to follow them? I bought all the itching powder for nothing!?"  
"Lardo's fate is no longer in our hands." Peppercorn said, admiring his stolen goods.  
"Then it has all been in vain! The Jelloship has failed!" Hefty said, miserably.  
"You don't know that!" Eggolas yelled at Hefty. "You weren't even there!"  
"Well, we sure did screw up when it comes to Lardo and Spam, but we can't just let the Uruk-Pies kill Hairy and Pimple in creepy, gross ways." He drew his sword. "Let's eat some Pork!"  
Eggolas and Hefty made grossed out faces. Peppercorn ran off into the woods and Hefty and Eggolas reluctantly followed him.

Spam and Lardo must have had stepped through a worm hole because they were standing on a hill over looking a deep valley and a mountain, but across that their eyes caught the peak of that volcano. "The land of tastebudless people…" Lardo said glumly. "I hope the others meet us there with a nice big cake or something. I guess I hope they get there safe too."  
Spam put his hand on Lardo's shoulder. "Cheesecakeman will look after him."  
"Yeah." He thought a bit. "I don't suppose we will ever see them again. Not a problem with me, but I think you have an attachment with some of them."  
"We may yet Mister Lardo. We may yet."  
"Spam," Lardo said, turning his fat head to look at Spam, "I wish you would stop calling me Mister!"

The End

Note from the authors

Well, it's probably too late to say it now, but Kai and I really LOVE Lord of the Rings. It's just such a good story that it begs to be made fun of. We have the 'utmost' respect for Tolkein, Peter Jackson, and all the actors that worked for two years of their lives on these films and for writing this amazing world into exsistence. So, in short, this book was supposed to show our appreciation of the book, by making fun of every part of it as much as we could.

Did we get the point across?

Grant A Kress and Kai Thorstad


End file.
